Chapter 4

 On the move.

City of Lost Angels.. Well I was definitely lost but I definitely wasn’t around angels. Settling into my room was so surreal. My head was reeling and I just wanted to get out of my wig. I looked at my clothes and felt like I was wearing someone else’s body completely. I pulled out the change of clothes I had jammed into the bottom of my back pack and stripped out of that fake persona to only stare at the clothes on the bed like they were someone else’s. Who was that chick and how could she look normal wearing that?

Everything my mother would have loved for me to wear and look like was right there, except the wig. Matching jogger set with gold trim, the high top sneakers with EG socks and dripping in gold jewelry. Ugh,I hated it all. Even the wig was not my style. a perfect little bob of dark brown hair. It made me look like  the tennis playing college girl that was so normal to be carrying around that large of a sum of money. The envelope was handed to Billy the minute I got into the hotel room. Part of me wished I would have just gotten off the plane at a connecting city and disappeared completely. Looking back now, I wonder how that would have worked out. But, then I wouldn’t be writing this book.. so let’s continue.

Bodyguard, it’s just another word for glorified babysitter. I didn’t want a babysitter. I wanted to just go and explore this new side of the world. When Bob and Joe showed up in Billy’s room the next morning and the introductions were made,I felt like I didn’t want them as much as they didn’t want me.

Joe was younger than the rest with a kinda Keanu Reeves from the matrix look only tan. Bob was more the office looking guy with a balding head and small build. Billy had more of a connection with Bob and Joe was more the runner from what I could tell. The minute Bob looked at me he laughed and said “Oh, Great, Tits” my dry response was,”awe it’s a scrotum.” Joe giggled. At least I knew this wouldn’t be complete hell. I would sit in the living area of the suite while the three of them would talk business or whatever. I didn’t want to know. The less the better. I would tune into the TV or read a book and just ignore them usually until it was time to order food. It was about a week in that I got so tired of it all. Boredom was excruciating. Finally I convinced Billy that I needed clothes since I only had 3 outfits and a set of sleep clothes. Joe was to take me shopping and Bob was to drive. That was actually the best option.

Joe was fun to talk to and shop with. He would keep close but acted like a friend more than a babysitter. When it came time to eat he was the one to convince Bob that we needed drinks and not just food. While out of the hotel I was soaking in the west Hollywood views. All the amazing places I had seen in movies were now right in front of me. Joe could tell I was excited to just explore and he now became my center with conversation. We started talking in an easy flow. Once he had a drink or two he just opened right up with laughter and jokes. Joe would crack jokes on Bob,and after a bit even Bob lightened up like we were buddies. The banter between Joe and Bob was fun and light enough that it didn’t feel like having bodyguards completely.

From that day on,everytime Joe could, he would steal me away to go do errands with him. We would drive and he would always keep an eye out for anything that seemed off. It was time with him that just flowed nicely. When Bob was around it was like having the father figure that would occasionally scold us both for giggling to much. Billy would always be the big buzz kill. It was instant serious the minute we entered the room with him. Even when he was light in conversation it was like having an eagle eye watching just waiting to give you shit.

Whenever major business deals were being done I was escorted by Joe to my room and told to stay put. Noone was to know I was even there. I was told not to call them unless it was an emergency, otherwise they would call and check in on me. This lasted for a few weeks, honestly it could’ve been 3 months but my sense of time was nothing more than an endless groundhog day movie.

One meeting lasted almost 2 days and I was getting impatient. I wanted to go out. Not be locked in the room all day. Occasionally Joe would call the room to check on me. At one point I finally had enough and told him I was sick of sitting there. He told me to hang tight. Next thing I knew, he was at the door with liquor smiling and being devious. He came in and handed me the bottle begging me to just be patient a little more and he would come and rescue me in just a little while longer. At this point, part of me was beginning to become attracted to Joe. He had the greatest smile and in this prison of a life he was the one thing that I looked forward to everyday. So 4 hours later when he knocked on the door and came sneaking in I couldn’t keep my flirting aside. That was all he needed as a window. I took a swig off the bottle and told him that it took him long enough and joked that I was almost about to call up security just to have my way with the hotel bellhop when he came in close. He was so close I could smell his cologne and he smiled at my cocked eyebrow. In that second our eyes locked and he gave into temptation and grabbed me close and planted a kiss on me. The energy between us started to bubble up. The kiss went from questioning to consuming. We got so caught up in the kiss that the bottle dropped to the table and in an instant we were up against the wall and he was now going to my throat.  I was whirling. And just as fast as it started, he stopped. We both had to give each other space to breathe. He still stayed close but now there was a few inches between us. His smile said it all though. He wanted to be with me just as much as I wanted to be with him. He cleared his throat and then told me that as much as he wanted to stay he only stole away a minute to”check” on me and he had to go back. He gave me a devilish smile and promised he would be back for good in an hour no matter what so I just had to be patient. With one more small kiss and a promise to return, I sighed and waited.. This was going to get interesting now.

Now I had a partner in crime.

He returned in an hour, just as I was finishing my dinner. The minute he came in the hotel room, he dropped everything and moved the living room table from in front of me and landed another kiss on me while murmuring about thinking about me the whole time. It was a whirlwind of hands and clothes flying while connected in kissing.

We spent the rest of the night exploring every inch of each other.

The next morning we agreed that we couldn’t tell anyone. We would keep it a secret, and I would have something that was mine to look forward to in those stolen moments.

Joe and I tried to keep it under wraps but Bob cought on after a week and now he was in on some of the jokes. Billy took a little longer to realize since he mainly left me to Joe and Bob (who I now nicknamed scrotum) most of the time.

Billy would make an appearance every few days and every so often we would change hotels or hotel rooms. It was a constant game of hide and seek. Joe and I would take long drives at night through the city looking at all the clubs and people.

One night, they were all busy again in a meeting so I decided to go out. After almost 2 months of being caged(not always a bad thing) I was getting antsy. I put on my leather jacket,a tank top and rip torn jeans and headed to the concierge. I was sick of hotel food. I wanted something different. They told me about a place around the corner and down about a block that was known for great food. I set out and once I got there I was ready to chow.

This moment felt free, no babysitters, no constant supervision. As much as I loved hanging with Joe, I wanted alone time in the city. I got to the restaurant and went to the hostess ready to eat and enjoy a meal alone. It was then that she informed me that the restaurant was closed that night for a private party. I guess the disappointment showed when I asked her where there might be somewhere else because she paused then made the decision in her head to let me in. They told me it was a Barmitzva and that most people didn’t know each other at these things anyway so she planned to sit me at the bar and I could have free food and drinks on the house. All I had to do was tip the staff and lie that I was a friend of the family.

That night stands out as one of the best nights by myself in LA. I sat at the bar eating and drinking while socializing with a whole bunch of random people all while the staff was in on the joke. That moment I didn’t have a care in the world.The family had no clue and most thought I was a girlfriend of one of the cousins.At one point when we thought someone caught on, the bartender even lied and said I was his girlfriend that came in as a surprise for the night from out of town.I tipped the staff well that night, they were incredible. I had the time of my life at that bar mitzvah, that was until I got back to the hotel room to see Joe and scrotum seething.

I couldn’t blame them.. I scared them both. I had left a note on my bed that I would be back and I just went for food. It was only after 2 hours that they really started to worry. Once I told them what happened they really couldn’t be mad much longer but that night I had to make a deal that I wouldn’t go anywhere unless they knew exactly where. It was like being a child all over again.  Now I had a perimeter to stay in and it wasn’t far.

Billy was around less and less. He had random women once in a while that I would meet in passing. I never paid much attention since most of them seemed to be very bubbly and not very smart.

One day after telling Joe I really wanted to ride a motorcycle and learn to drive one Billy took an interest. It was about a week later I was informed I was going to a motorcycle class. Joe was going to the East Coast and it was going to be a few days until he came back so I was to do it alone. I was to take the class and get my License, but the new license would be under my new alias and I had to come up with a good name and birthday that I would remember easily. When I questioned how I was going to be getting this new license Billy had given the information that he paid a guy to put everything into the system as if I had already shown my paperwork and all I had to do now was just take the last test to get the ID. He even went so far as to get my social security number for me as well. I figured if I was going to be a whole new person to the state, I would make this my whole new life for now.

Joe had become my confidant. While in bed some nights we would talk and I would confide in him all the things I wanted to do or things I missed since I was in lock down mode. I told him how with everything still in the air, I now looked at life differently. I had started a bucket list. One night he finally had me show it to him and he giggled at some of the things on the list. That’s when he decided we were going to start trying to do what we could on the list.

I would write little notes to myself and he saw how I would draw when I was bored so he surprised me one day with a sketch book in a nice leather binder. I had told him how I wished I could let friends back home know I was ok and how I worried about them. We had devised a plan to get postcards and I could send them just little notes, nothing that gave anything away. He would take the post cards and when he would go on the trips for Billy, in between at airports, he would drop them in the mail.

While he was gone I found myself writing constantly. Without him to brighten my day I was back to being in the hotel room again and stuck in my mind. I would collect post cards whenever I found them. Scrotum would take me to class and pick me up then disappear for hours with Billy. I started going to a bar in my perimeter just to pass time.

I thought about D still from time to time,wondering how his life was going and what it could’ve been like if I wasn’t forced to exit the picture. I wondered if we would have eventually gotten back together or if the saga with Angie would have escalated more. But there was no way I could call home to anyone to see what was going on. I was just going to have to settle with me sending notes one way for now to my few close people I knew I could trust.

One week turned into 2 and when he came back I was beyond ready for some light time with him.

Billy had surprised me with shopping trip to Harley Davidson and gotten me some gear to wear on a bike. Now that Joe was back, Billy also introduced us both to Al. Al ran a bike shop in LA that Billy obviously had a hand in. I was surprised with a 78 Sportster Harley Davidson in Al’s garage. Joe and I couldn’t wait. Al was a nice guy, he wasn’t your big scary guy. He was more your medium built mechanic that loved to talk bikes. Joe and I liked him a lot. We became friends after the first ride. I was scared to death,especially since the bike’s paint job alone was worth more than my whole wardrobe. I almost ate it at one point but I saved it at the last second and both Joe and Billy were impressed.The streets of LA definitely scared me on a bike. Joe and I would ride with scrotum to San Diego for the day. On occasion Billy would ride with us. I loved the wind on my face and the rush of the bike. It was on one of these rides that I met Lisa. She was one of Billy’s part time girlfriends that lived close to San Diego.I liked Lisa. She was smarter than the others and was very personable. She invited me to come visit whenever.

Halloween was coming and as much as I was passing the time with Joe I really missed my friends back home. While I was at Lisa’s one day she offered for me to use her phone to call home while Billy wasn’t paying attention. She was more in the know about everything from what I gathered and she felt sorry that I was stuck not being able to have a life line. She even offered that I could give her number to an answering machine for emergencies back home. I was still not comfortable enough to call anyone but it was nice I now had something for back home to reach me.

Joe was great, don’t get me wrong, but there was still a part of me that missed the boys back home. I missed talking to everyone and I really worried about my close friends and hoped that none of them were wondering about me. I wanted to ease their fears, that was even if they had any. They were the only ones that seemed to care, but god only knows if they really did.

I confided this to Joe and he decided to help me go home even for a few days. I wouldn’t be staying with anyone I knew and I would have another bodyguard the whole time but I could go down and make a quick appearance. He convinced Billy it would be perfect to throw anyone off the trail with him. As soon as I knew I was going I sent Todd a postcard. Just a hint. I hinted that the ghost behind them on Halloween just might be me. I hoped he would get the hint.

Joe wouldn’t be going but he would be picking me up when I got back. So the plans were made.

I flew in earlier in the day on Halloween back to Lauderdale. I was greeted at the airport by a tall thin and almost geeky guy. He looked like he was part of the nerds movie cast. As I went to the meeting point I was given, he walked up and gave me the code word. I was thrown back by his looks. This guy was to be my bodyguard? I looked more threatening than him. But off to his place we went. Once I was at his place he asked what my plans were to be for the night. He was instructed to take me wherever and give me a burner phone to make any calls. I didn’t waste time, I knew my one girlfriend would know exactly where the party was. Once I got her to calm down cause she was frantic. I got the scoop. They were going to the warehouses first then off to a show. That’s all I needed. Now I just had hours to wait. I told her not to tell anyone in fear of anything going wrong.

While I had time to kill my guardian decided to give me a lock picking course. Seems that he was a locksmith by day and bodyguard for me for the night. He also gave me my first class on a gun. He schooled me on the revolver he wanted me to carry just in case anything went south.

When the time came I felt I was ready for anything.

The warehouse was first. The band was playing and the minute I walked into the door, half of them froze in place. Music stopped and it was a rush to give me hugs… It made me want to cry. Here I was worried that I would walk in and they would ignore me like I was some annoying little girl that was just a groupie.

I was met instead with hugs and questions. Todd had brought the post card to the warehouse and pinned it on the board on the wall. He was beaming claiming he knew I was dropping hints and wondered if I sent it in Texas.. I hadn’t been there yet… But Joe’s plan had worked.

They were so excited. I told them I wanted to go to the show at one of the local clubs and that’s all the words I needed to say. They all loaded into their cars and tried to convince my chaperone that they would take care of me but he wouldn’t have any part of it. The boys were way more menacing than this guys appearance, but he did have knowledge.

When we rolled up to the club there was a large group of people outside and the minute I stepped into it you would’ve thought I was a rock star. Everyone around me was hugging me and expressing their worries about my absence. One of the guys Donk threw me over his shoulder and refused to let me down.

It was at that moment I caught eyes with D and his girlfriend Angie. She wasn’t happy but she wasn’t pissed either so at least there was that. Kelly came up and made Donk put me down. It was about then that my chaperone got a phone call and told me he needed to go do an errand and he needed me to go. The guys that had surrounded me argued with him. He tried to convince them he couldn’t let me out of his sight but the boys weren’t having it. After he made sure I was armed and the guys convinced him they wouldn’t let anything happen to me, he left.

I spent the next 2 hours enjoying all the crew for the night. At one point I pulled Kelly to the side since she was one of 3 people that was always in the know, and gave her Lisa’s number for emergencies. I avoided D and Angie. At some point my bodyguard had come back and was going through the crowd trying to find me, he was asking people if they saw me and no one would tell him anything. Most played dumb and he spent almost 45 minutes trying to find me in the small club. It was Angie who brought him right to me. In that instant I knew If given the chance she would be the death of me. She knew we came together and she figured since no one would tell him she would help, but deep down I knew she just wanted me gone.

After saying goodbye to everyone I disappeared into the night with my bodyguard.

One of my roommates Trish was now living at my grandmother’s since she had nowhere to go and was pregnant when I left. Trish was good for inside information so I made sure to give her a heads up that I would send her a line from time to time.

The next morning I was back on a flight. By the evening I was jumping into Joe’s arms.

He was excited to see me gleaming. I missed the crew but I loved being somewhere that no one knew me but a small few. Even though I was in hiding and constantly looking over my shoulder I still had a sense of belonging there. Joe and I celebrated that night with Al at one of the strip clubs. It was a glimmer of good times that didn’t feel so horrible even though I knew it wasn’t going to be like this all year.

Billy was doing coke with his friends when I wasn’t around but up until now he hadn’t given any clue to it.  Now it was like the cards flipped. The next morning after getting back I walked into his suite and barely sat down just as he threw me a small glass ketchup bottle filled with huge chunks of coke fresh cut off the key.

Well that was interesting. He was almost proud.. ” Check this out, straight off the key” I looked at Joe and we shared a blundered look.

What do you say to that?!?

“Gee Dad, looks nice” was all I could muster up. I had never done coke before but I had seen it. Many friends at the bars had been big on it but I didn’t ever see the draw.

 I had never really even seen it up close before until then. I was the kinda kid that smoked pot, did acid, took ecstasy or drank. I stayed away from the hard stuff. It was bad enough it tainted my family on the crime side. I didn’t want to do any part of it. I associated it with suicide. It was too harsh in my head. Here I was holding a bottle the size of my hand and all I could think was”How much is this worth?” I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to even worry about keeping an eye on the bottle. So I handed it back to him and tried to brush it off like my father didn’t just hand me probably hundreds of dollars if not thousands in drugs.

And this is where it started to go a whole new route.

It was getting close to Thanksgiving when Joe had told me that he needed to go back home for family time through the holidays. I couldn’t be mad at him. I know he wasn’t the one on the run technically. He had told me about his ex wife and his family at home. So Billy decided I was going to stay with Lisa for the holidays.

I spent as much time with Joe before he left as I could. Then I was brought to Lisa. She had a great townhouse not far from the beach. It was in a little town that was quiet. And quiet meant I had too much time to get in my head. Lisa didn’t hover. If anything it was the opposite. She gave me keys to a car and she would hand me money every day to go on an adventure. I told her about how I wanted a bass guitar because I missed the bands but I knew I wasn’t coordinated enough for a regular guitar. She even found a tutor for me. The room I was staying in didn’t have a normal bed or anything, so it was a mattress on the floor. I didn’t care. To me this was enough for me. One day I was on my way out to the movies when I heard the machine pick up. There on the line was D… Drunk and begging me to pick up the phone. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I stood at the machine hearing him sob into the phone. “Please pick up, if you pick up right now I won’t get married today”

My heart sank. Married… What did he mean by married? My head started to spin.. and as if on cue my head spoke back. “No, he needs to make that decision for himself” My head was right and I knew it, I couldn’t save him. He needed to save himself. So I grabbed the keys and walked out the door.

I went on auto pilot trying not to think about the message I just heard and continued on to the movie. All I could hear in my head was his message on replay. Was he kidding, was it all a lie to get me to pick up, and if it wasn’t why was he marrying her? He had ran a month after our marriage talk. Why her, and why so soon?

I waited to call Kelly until after I was home. I made sure it was a while first, I went to the movie and barely watched it. Honestly, I couldn’t even tell you what movie it was. I was so distracted in my own head that I picked the first one playing. I even went to a coffee shop after, seriously trying to drag my feet from going home to Lisa’s and facing reality. Secretly I hoped I had just dreamt it all or that I was crazy and my mind was playing tricks on me.

But on the other side of the country, D was drunk and the wedding went on.