Clearing the Air
Saying I wasn’t nervous would be a lie. In reality, I had no want to be walking into the DEA office, except to get my life moving forward. The office I walked into was a small room with bullet proof glass between myself and the receptionist. It was tiny and sterile and the size of a cubicle. It was almost claustrophobic with the white walls and absolutely nothing else but a plastic chair to sit on. There wasn’t even a basic picture or anything on the wall. The secretary behind the glass was dressed almost casual like it could have been a bill collectors office. There wasn’t anything to decipher that this was the DEA office in any way and all I could think about was what if some random criminal got lost trying to find a basic office and wandered in here. Oh what a surprise they would be in for. The secretary booth didn’t even have anything that would tell you what you just walked into except the basic card holder that sat next to her computer that I could see. Once I told her who I was, I was buzzed into the next room where I sat waiting for Sean.
When Sean came in, part of me really couldn’t believe this guy was the lead guy on the case. He was a tall good looking guy with a nice dad bod build that looked like any of the guys I would’ve met at the beach or a bar that was in his 40’s. He was about 6’2” with a sandy brown clean cut hair style and brown hazel eyes. He shook my hand and led me into his interrogation room. Sean apologized for the formalities of the room saying that he knew it felt cold and scary but it was more for privacy. I figured this was more tactics. He really seemed genuine enough and while talking he showed me more and more that he really was more amazed about me being there and how everything went down. He commented on being glad that my uncle had gotten word to me and was thankful that I had shown up.
We both knew I was the pillar moment for their case and now he wanted to basically figure out the missing pieces.
For as many times as we all know the saying “snitches get stitches” gets said, when it’s down to life or death or your freedom; All bets are off. There was a part of me that didn’t want to go into details or tell too much but then the other side of me was wanting to nail him to a wall so he could never do the same thing to anyone else ever again. I had already watched him destroy many other people’s lives.
When it came to Billy and everything they already had, I didn’t even have to snitch. Only thing I did was point them in his direction. Once he was caught, Billy sang like a bird… He gave up every ounce of info about all the states he was in and his connections. Only thing that was different in the rundown… He tried to blame it all on me. ME. YEAH, If my jaw could’ve dropped any harder I’m sure Sean would’ve thought it broke. He laughed at it as he broke the news and showed the tapes to me. He spilled how Billy had even had sexual pictures of me and Joe in surveillance pictures of us and showed it all to me. He laid his hand completely out on the table in front of me.
He confided how he knew it was all bullshit with Billy blaming me. They had been on to him long before I had to go to him about 2 years before but they were gathering info on him still and he kept evading them. It was their game of cat and mouse.
Sean seriously laughed that Billy tried to pawn it off on me since Sean knew I was only 20 and there was no way I had his connections and kind of circuit across the states in that sort of time.
I was still mentally shocked as Sean spilled all the details. Here I thought I would be the one that was being pinned down for information and interrogated, all while I was getting every ounce against this man that I didn’t even know existed. Sean only asked a few questions like how I knew the phones were tapped and why I stayed so long and little snippets of questions like when I disappeared at certain times where I was and what I was told were the reasons. He even brought it up when the officer called him about the car being totaled. Then he told me all the real reasons I was moved around like when they got close to him and thought they almost had him. It was surreal. Sean told me all about the other locations that I had no idea about, that they raided his belongings and the tally of everything they found against him. Then he told me how he tried to escape when they finally caught up with him. He commented on Billy’s different women and asked how I got Ariel to go with me and leave him. By the end of the conversation it really was him letting me know I was safe from Billy in the end of it all. He even asked me what I would do if I ever saw him again. He couldn’t blame me when I said I would kill him if he ever came near me again. Sean even extended the offer that if anything ever happened again to give him a call and he would help me out. He also extended an invitation that if I ever just wanted someone to get a drink with and talk with someone that could at least understand my situation that he was only a call away. By the end of it he almost looked at me like I was a marvel. Sean said that he couldn’t imagine everything I had been through with my family, that I had to have been through more than most people over 65 already by the age of 20. He didn’t even know half of it. At this point I felt like I was 50 not 20, that was for sure. He offered cards to other agents in case of emergencies if I really needed it. He introduced me to another agent and even that agent looked at me with surprise. I left that office a thousand times lighter but still nowhere near confident enough to dance with joy just yet. Sean walked me out still chatting about random things almost as if we were old friends and offered me a ride, which I denied. Still keeping my guards up because let’s be honest, people lie and always have ulterior motives, and I definitely still didn’t trust them. I walked to the bus stop.
I rode the bus most of the way then got off at a random bar to get a drink and call Sara. She was so happy to hear my voice that she started babbling about how she wasn’t sure if she should buy a bottle or go out. I opted for the bottle. She came and picked me up bouncing around in her Volvo. We went straight to the liquor store and back to the apartments to breathe.
My head was reeling. It all felt like I was just along for the ride as everyone around me was just living like normal and internally I was spinning down a mental rabbit hole of everything I was just told. So many extra details into understanding Billy and how he looked at me even as his own daughter.
That was one demon down, now I needed to clear the next table, but I wasn’t ready for that just yet. I needed some time in between death wishes. Honestly I needed to give myself time in between heart attacks, and try to settle my nerves. Cocaine and drinking was just what the doctor ordered.
In all honesty I think that was the only thing I could even fathom to cope with because otherwise I couldn’t get my brain out of the numbing reels in my head. These moments are what made me understand drug addicts or alcoholics. It was exactly enough of the escape that helped me not have a mental breakdown. Cheers to coping. I knew I couldn’t escape forever, just long enough to process it all so I’d only give myself the night.
I spent my nights working and trying to find ways out of the escorting life. It was starting to really bother me seeing all the girls go through their hard nights. One girl was raped and beaten while on a call all while the office girls paniced and tried to get someone to her since she even told them she didnt feel safe at the check in call. The other girls started to get scared after that, so I also started driving girls to help keep an eye on them. I became their bouncer and check in buddy to make sure they felt safer.
During the day, Sara and I would act like we had not had a care in the world. We would go to the beach, go out to eat occasionally but mostly just day drink and lounge by the pool talking about her love life while I avoided one. She was always looking for a husband to be kind of romantic. We joked that we both had so much baggage that it would be mission impossible to find a good man. Sara was always still open to dates but I just felt that I wasn’t ready for romance. At one point I even called Sean for that drink and it was a nice break from my world. I could only think if I had met this man in different circumstances that I might have liked to date someone like him. He was a relaxing conversationalist that didn’t judge me because of my past, if anything he admired my endurance. I still never understood how he spoke so easily with me about everything. It was almost a comedic moment when he offered me some coke while sitting at a hole in the wall dive bar. I had to laugh and couldn’t help but blurt out, “oh yeah sure, is it Billy’s stash?!” We shared a giggle at that but part of me always wondered. Sean was definitely interesting. He told me more about his life and some of the raids he had done. It was like I was there more for him to connect to as a comrade in arms. We shook hands and parted ways that night like friends that would see eachother again. But we never did. I hope his life was grand and he’s still thriving.
It wasn’t long before D’s sister caught wind that I was in town again. Most of Lauderdale caught on quickly once word was out in that circle. D called me randomly one day while the air and sea show was going on.
I lived 2 blocks away from the intercoastal and had a perfect view from the apartment pools. D had his daughters with him and his friend, one had soiled her diaper and clothes and he needed a place to clean her up. Sara couldn’t help but get excited, she loved babies. It was almost like the universe decided to bombard me all at once because not even 10 minutes after D arrived with the girls Patti decided to make an entrance with groceries at my apartment like she was showing up to have a bar-b-que. Patti didn’t even register that I might have had something going on. She waltzed in like she did this all the time, only she had never been there before. I had barely talked to most of the family since I was not really ever ready to get into conversation with any of them. There really was not much point anymore, I couldn’t reveal everything I went through or what I was doing because they wouldn’t fully understand or even acknowledge any of it.
My apartment looked like I had a whole gathering that day. Sara was in baby heaven holding one baby while I cleaned up the other and gave her a bath. The whole time D and Patti sat talking at my kitchen table about life and how It was nice to have everyone together. D at one point even told my mother how he wished these girls were ours and how he missed the flow of our lives. For that split second I felt like it was all a dream. All I could think about was how far left my life took off the rails and this all felt like the dream of things I had wished for so long ago. It was nowhere in my reach now and that was the cold reality of it all. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the glimmer of that day. We barbequed and played with the girls by the pool while watching the air show. At the end of the day D and his friend left with a smile and a hug and my friendship, if they ever needed it. Patti left long before D and it was one of the few times I can honestly say it felt like how it should feel to have a mom that cared. She didn’t give those moments almost ever since I was a child, I would take what I could get.
By the end of the night Sara and I were left alone to sit on the edge of the pool and talk about the mental fuck my day was. We drank as we contemplated what else the Universe or God had in store for me. We sat and smoked a joint laughing at the possibilities that either God was setting me up to just be completely mind fucked my whole life or that he was getting all the shit outta the way first so that I could have a beautiful life, eventually. I was hoping for the second one but I knew it would be nowhere near time for greatness yet. There were still so many things I had to do before I could breathe easy.
During the next few months most of my time was a blur, I worked, we drank and I kept trying to find balance. The rest of the old crew knew I was back now and I would try to feel like the old me before hell by hanging out with them. None of them asked questions about my time I was gone so it was refreshing to feel kinda normal. It was almost like everyone didn’t acknowledge the last 2 years. I longed for nothing more than to feel like I was meant to be there but I always felt like I was just a passerby. I could be sitting there with them but feel like I was over a million miles away. I was the outsider now, no matter how much I wanted to be in the moment with them it was like I could no longer get on the same mindset. D’s wife didn’t like me being around and the emotions got hot whenever I did show up at a show or event so I tried to be scarce. I didn’t want anymore drama or chaos.
One night I was invited to a show and D’s mother, who I was always in good standing with, even came. While his mother and sister sat with me and drank, I could feel Angie’s hate seething. I didn’t want to be the cause of anything, especially since I was in no mood to even try to date let alone get back with the man that didn’t want me or wouldn’t stand up for himself and his own wants. I decided to move the girls outside with me to the parking lot to get fresh air and fall into the sea of people that hung out in the parking lot during these shows. Once outside I figured the argument would be less inclined to have an impact. Boy was I wrong.
As I sat on the hood of my car surrounded by people I could consider friends the scene unfolded into madness. D’s mom had gone inside at one point and I could only imagine what happened but obviously Angie was pissed and now burst out of the club yelling at D. D’s mom yelled at him to chase after his wife as his sister and I watched from the sidelines. Angie was making a mad dash for their van and was definitely done with whatever had happened. There in the middle of the whole group of at least 100 people D screamed back that Angie could go, he didn’t care anymore and that the only woman he would chase and would continue to chase until the day he died was “her”. He pointed right at me. My heart dropped. For him to say it in front of everyone was something I always wanted , but the timing was so fucked, I just couldn’t process. His sister looked at me as the tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t do this. Not here and Definitely Not right now. She read my mind. My only response was that I needed to go as far away from there as possible and as quickly as possible. She snatched up my keys and while the rest of the parking lot was now in the sitcom watching phase we jumped in my car. D was still arguing with his mother and Angie as we pulled out of the parking lot and sped off. I sobbed. I knew there would be nothing that would or could come of this. He would go home to her and I would still be left feeling that no matter what I couldn’t have him. It didn’t take long for everyone to start blowing up my pager. Kel drove to my apartment and after the 6th page with 911 I couldn’t take it anymore. I threw the pager out the window. I could get a new one. I needed my space and time to process. I figured that if he really did mean it he knew where I could be found but that conversation would be for us and not for the entertainment of everyone else. As I got to the apartment, Sara was coming down to see how my night went. She saw my face and immediately Kel spilled the beans. I spent that night crying for many reasons. Kel stayed for a while but eventually she left while I drowned my feelings into yet another long line of bottles. Sara stayed and drank with me. D never showed. I woke up the next morning feeling like my intuition was right. He would never leave her. Why was I always in the brunt of these arguments? I still had no idea. I brushed it off as just another great moment of mind fuck in all of the hell that I was to endure. I decided that I wasn’t going to be around that circle as much as possible until it smoothed over.
3 days later I went to see Patti to collect my mail and give her my new number. She had a laundry list of messages. She had gotten bits of information for everyone that called her trying to find me since that night. Many were worried about me and just wanted to make it known that they still wanted me around. That was one of the only things that helped me move forward with the friendships. Now I had a list of those that cared enough to try to contact me. I would take what I could get since I really wasn’t going to try to fight for something that wasn’t really mine anymore.
Life continued and I kept doing my daily grind, only now I was more selective on the where and the whens. I was still trying to cope with daily life after Billy and trying to see where I felt safe. The last thing I wanted to deal with was more problems from a Ex’s insecure wife that was trying to claim her territory if we crossed paths.
I figured since I was going to go through hell, I mine as well just get the rest of the heartache out of the way. It was time to get my life back on my tracks, even if they were going to be short.
It wasn’t long before I finally tracked down the woman who warned me years before about everything with Billy’s betrayal. I had to clear the air with her consorts and that was something that I dreaded more than anything.
Thankfully they had all gotten word of his situation. She was relieved to know I was still alive and we agreed that they needed to know I wanted him gone just as bad as they did. I really don’t want to go too far deep into this rabbit hole for my own safety so you will just have to please understand when I say it was one of the scariest meetings of my life.
In the end, they agreed to leave me alone and out of it when it came to Billy.
They had heard how I wanted him dead and agreed to let me know if ever I could help them in any way in finding him. I told them I wanted No face to face or names when talking so that I never had to worry about my safety. I knew there was no guarantee they would leave me alone, or that I would walk out of that meeting, but I hoped that my coming forward would account for something. After a deep conversation, they conveyed that they understood my position and agreed to leave me be.
It all was like a game of hot potato where you didn’t want to be left holding the potato, and I wanted nothing to do with their game in any way. My life hung on the line but I prayed that they kept their word.
I was sick of looking over my shoulder at everything. I wanted my life back.
So my life continued, and I just lived everyday like it could all go away at any moment. I tried to keep the circle small and stay away from everyone except Sara. She at least was someone I could trust would know what to do if anything happened to me and I knew she would still be distant enough in conversation about me to not be in the snares of any repercussions.
Sara would have problems with her step dad and siblings and would still come to me to accompany her to rescue the siblings from their dad and his shit. I would take the day and drive with her to the keys to pick up the family and bring them back and it sucked to see her stress over them. Everytime she had any extra money she would send it to her dad or her step mom for her younger siblings. She hated the whole situation they were stuck in so I tried to help her anytime I could even with money so that she didn’t have to carry it all alone. I would constantly booby trap that apartment so that I felt safer and in case the enemies of Billy decided I was a threat. Sara would constantly give me heart attacks barreling into my place before my waking time. Each day I was just happy to wake up and have another day to live. Most of the time I was just barreling through not trying to feel crazy.
I was still in survival mode. I kept my life as simple as possible and tried to just bunker down until I felt safer.
Sara at one point started dating a guy Steve that honestly at first seemed to make her happy but then she would have full on fights with him from time to time and once I started speaking up she started pulling away from me. At times it felt like I was the one who was interrupting their relationship even though I was just trying to still be there and keep contact lines open.
I had started hanging out with an old girlfriend from highschool occasionally. It was a bunch of us girls hanging whenever we could. Both Lisa [my friend from highschool] and Sara, got along and we would do dinner nights wherever we could. Family holiday time was usually a given with the girls since my family never would encourage family time since my return. The distance got bigger now that my grandmother had heard about Billy and Patti was busy with her boyfriend who was not privy to any of the life my mother showed towards me.
I was basically ignored when it came to talking about anything other than if grandmother or Patti needed anything. I would get a call if my grandmother needed anyone to clear the brush of trees for hurricane season, if she needed help tarring the roof, or cleaning out the hoarded newspapers she had in her kitchen that would stack up. I would visit to try to reach out but most of the time with my grandmother she would deflect any conversation that came near while I was gone with Billy or even right after I returned. Patti and her boyfriend never really made appearances anywhere near me. Everything was kept topical. It was as if everyone skirted around my mental hell to save themselves from uncomfortable reality.
I kept my life to myself, except on the rare moments I could talk to someone I knew would understand. Or at least tried to understand.
Sara went downstairs to collect her thoughts. Claire and I were exhausted from the whole day of events and by the time the last box was empty, we both were ready for bed. I climbed into my bed and started to doze off as Sara came in again. It was around 2 am and I was groggy and almost asleep. She Said she had the letter for me to send out but she was going to make a few more changes and she wanted me to pick it up from her desk in the morning. She stated she would leave the door unlocked so she wouldn’t have to wake me again. I confirmed that I would send it out and that in the mean time to remember that tomorrow was a new day and by tomorrow everything would be fine. I told her I Loved her and she agreed and said she loved me too as I drifted off to sleep.
I had at one point gotten arrested going on a call in another city 4 hours away for the escort agency. They had basically called and ordered me to come to their city and arrested me.Talk about entrapment. I had made it to the room and just started talking to “John” when they carried out the sting. I was arrested because I had a condom in my purse, even though we hadn’t even been talking about sex or even gotten naked or down to that part of the conversation yet. The condom was enough to get intent in the law’s eyes. I did almost no time in and was bailed out immediately but I took that as my cue from the universe that it was time to get out. I was looking for any job that I could do, I did tile at one point, detailed cars, anything I could find. I had court a month later and was told I was a first time offender so I would probably get the option for probation or jail time for a month with time served.
When it came to court I took jail time. I knew it was coming so I had time to prepare. I paid the bills, told Lisa what to tell people so I didn’t have to deal with them knowing everything. She stayed in my apartment and took all my calls while I was gone and I planned on touching base with her every 3 days. Sara was busy with Steve and basically barely around much. I told my family I was going to help a friend for a month. With Sara being busy with Steve, Lisa became my stand in excuse to everyone. The day I had court I walked into the courtroom and was ready. The judge was surprised when I chose the jail time and for it to start immediately. Even the bailiff seemed to be amazed and offered me lunch while I waited to go to the jail in the holding cell. I sat in that holding cell feeling the safest I had been in years. It was as if nothing, no matter how bad, mattered anymore. This was a calm I had been longing for. The officers all seemed nice enough and never got rude with me. It went smoothly and honestly the jail time was a quiet break from the world. I took it as a vacation at this point. I slept in past breakfast everyday and I woke up around lunch. I would read books all day or play cards with the girls that I ate lunch with. My bunkmate came in a few days after I arrived and she was a Zulu gang member named Yolanda. Yolanda was a small thin built spanish woman that showed signs of a rough life. She came into the cell at 3 am and woke me up to ask if I was black or hispanic. Being in a daze all I replied was “ Neither Bitch, Im white” as I rolled back over to sleep. I barely talked to anyone before except to offer up my food on my tray that I didn’t eat. The morning Yolanda came into the jail, it was a buzz. I didn’t care, as long as she left me alone I was good. And as long as the other inmates kept their distance from me,I had no worries. I woke up for breakfast that morning and I broke my dry conversation to ask about her . The other inmates were all too open to tell me all about her past. She had a bit of a reputation and from what they were all saying, this was her third strike. Supposedly she had gotten out not long before and had fought with her boyfriend [a local gang member] and taken a machete to his leg. I could understand the mindset. Aggravation can definitely make you do some shit. I would always just deter those voices in my head from winning. I figured after knowing her past, the best thing to do was just ignore her and let her come to me. It was a week in when I called to check in with Lisa and get messages when a girl in the cell block approached me while I was on the phone and tried to offer a trade of shaving the side of my head for protection since her mate had just been transferred to another cell block. Lisa almost died laughing on the other side of the phone. She joked that of course I already had a prison bitch, but in Truth everyone left me alone and never asked much.
The only thing they cared about was once they found out that I could draw. Yolanda had found a doodle I had drawn on a bookmark and instantly started to chat me up and wanted me to draw things for her. I spent the next 2 weeks drawing for commissary goods. Once it got out that I drew, the girls all started to trade. Most of the time I didn’t even care about the goods, it gave me something to do to pass the time. Most of my time was spent drawing or reading.
The other inmates and I would laugh at the Sargent when she came in drunk on her shift some nights. You could tell as soon as she jumped on the speakers telling us to turn down the phones and hang up the TV sounding like Miss Hannagan from Annie. We would all share the laughs. By the time I left, Yolanda and a bunch of the girls were giving me connections if I ever needed anything. I walked out after my 30 days and never looked back.
I went straight to my car that I parked in the corrections lot and immediately checked under my seat for my money and cigarettes. Freedom was that first bite of a croissant bacon egg and cheese breakfast sandwich and a hot chocolate for the drive back to lauderdale.Gas station food never tasted so good.Once back in Lauderdale I was back to trying to find a good job.
It was about a month when I finally landed a job at a nightclub as a phone promoter.
Sara and Steve had gotten serious and when her lease went she moved north more with him and since she was still at the agency and now working her way up the ladder to an appointment setter with a salary we didn’t get to see each other as much,but I still was only a phone call away. Her younger sister Claire was 17 and would bounce between both of our places since Sara had started wanting to take her in instead of leaving her with their dad.
I was only at the club for about a month when my truck took a dive and Lisa and her boyfriend decided they wanted to move out. I found a cute apartment right across from the club and it was within walking distance of everything I needed.
Sara and Claire helped me move in and would visit often and sometimes Claire would come stay with me when she didn’t want to be third wheel with Sara and Steve. The job was going great, I was broke most of the time, but I didn’t care. Working at the club I definitely took a pay cut but it was great to at least just be in my own groove without worrying about everything else.I ran into Trotter one night and he offered me his car to borrow until I could afford to buy another car by myself. He explained that his girlfriend and him were living together and they shared her car so he never needed it. He told me however long I needed to barrowe it, I was welcome to it. He handed me the keys the next day and didn’t think twice. That car was a godsend.
It was about a month later when Barry (the hitman) was all over the papers again. He was arrested on some gun charges and they actually had him on audio talking to someone about the things he did before. It was big news. They had gotten him and then he took a plea deal to avoid the death penalty.
I had barely spoken to him since he split from Patti and remarried his attorney’s secretary. Barry was the talk of the town again. I just kept my head down. Thankfully I was still going under my second identity so no one linked us except those that knew me.
On the job they were so happy about my performance that they kept trying to give me more hours.
My day consisted of walking to work , eating off the dollar menu from Wendy’s, then after work walking home to my tiny one bedroom apartment and fixing myself dinner and treating myself to a glass of arbor mist before going to bed and doing it all over again. I didn’t drive much unless it was to go to the store or the occasional night out. I was selling small bags of coke I got from a friend or my uncle John, here and there just to make ends meet for any extra party money and would fill my time with quiet nights with my cat. Thankfully the car came handy one night when I received a frantic call from Claire. Sara and Steve had gotten into a huge fight and they needed me ASAP.
When I got there it looked like a bloodbath and Claire was trying to keep Sara calm.
There was blood everywhere on the kitchen wall and she was sitting on the floor trying to clean up a puddle of blood while sobbing. I hadn’t seen her in 3 weeks and I almost didn’t recognize her. Her beautiful hair was gone. She had shaved most of her hair off and she had a chelsea hair cut now. She was drained of all color and sobbing. I checked over her looking for a wound and immediately asked what happened. Steve and her were arguing and he was being frantic and yelling about how he wanted to kill himself if she was going to break up with him. She had tried to go into the kitchen to cook dinner and he grabbed her hand with the knife and sliced straight into his forearm sending the blood flying. She was in shock. Claire had to call the ambulance all while Sara was stunned and screaming. They had hauled Steve to the hospital to then also have him Bakeracted (that was the psych ward).
So here I gazed upon the bloody scene of terror and all I could do was hold Sara as she cried. She sobbed about the fight,sobbed about her hair, sobbed about the new apartment and how much she hated it. Once I had her calmed down enough,I had Claire take her to the room to shower and clean up while I cleaned the mess. I made light work honestly of the horror scene. I cleaned that kitchen with everything under the sink. You would never know what had happened there only 2 hours prior.
When she came out of the room it was like a clean slate. Sara confessed that we hadn’t seen each other, not because of work, but mainly because of Steve. He had gotten possessive once they moved in and didn’t want her hanging out with me. I didn’t care, honestly I was just glad she called when she needed me. That night she packed her bags and came to stay with me. We spent the night just trying to get her back to normal. By the end of the week she decided to move out and find her own place because she just couldn’t face him once he got out.
It made life so much easier with the car, to help Sara gather her furniture and things and help her move since her little miata was not exactly spacious. I helped her move once she got everything set into a tiny cute cottage off Las Olas Blvd. She was back to being excited but there was a dark cloud now that I could see that would surface from time to time in her thoughts. She started therapy and they gave her Xanax to help with her anxiety moments. I didn’t understand taking it but for her it was a life line.
Claire and I would do sleep overs so Sara could get her time when she needed it.
The club meanwhile was doing great and the accountant had told one of the other clubs that she worked for all of me. They wanted me to come and help promote and offered me more money and choice of who I hired to work on my team, no questions asked. It was a more alternative club and right up my alley so it didn’t take much. I hired Claire on the team to get her on to the working side of life and help Sara. Claire needed to become a more independent person so she could make her own money but it would also give her breathing space with Sara.
I was mostly broke living in my apartment and it was right next to the one club I had started at but it was a bus trip to the other club so I decided to look into something closer to Sara and the new club. Sara was constantly now picking me up to take Claire and I to work and hanging out again so I decided it was time to give back the car to Trotter. I called him once I had the car ready after a tune up and a detailing as to say thank you. He even commented how he knew I would take care of it but I didn’t need to do everything I had. I felt it was the least I could do after him being so patient with me. He was constantly the one person that no matter what would show up for me and I never wanted to take that for granted.
I spent my Christmas in that apartment alone and relaxed with my own tree that I had decorated solely with dollar store decorations and looking back that Christmas was probably one of my favorites just because it was all mine. Even in its simplicity and quiet humility, it was refreshing. I toasted in the new year with Sara and Claire with a group of people and had hopes for a new refreshing start.
The first thing I did in the New Year was look into an apartment closer to the new club. As luck would have it, the apartment upstairs from Sara’s little cottage was open to rent. I was going to be ready the first week of January so I jumped at the chance. Sara had approached me about her little sister Claire moving in with me because her cottage was too small and she felt like in such small living spaces she was gonna end up going crazy with her and the new apartment was a 2 bedroom so it would work out perfectly. Once I signed the lease, it was now just a matter of moving in. Thankfully my lease on my other apartment would be done in february so I had the time to move slowly in. The new apartment was cute and tucked away above a garage in the back driveway of a house and Sara’s cottage was under our front porch. The door didn’t have an actual lock on it but we all figured that between all of us there would always be someone home until I could get it fixed and most of my stuff was hand me downs or things I salvaged from bulk garbage days so there wasn’t much I really worried about getting stolen. Besides it might just be an improvement.
It wasn’t long after New Year’s that I also decided that I was going to propose to Sara. I figured that since we both were mentally fucked up that the best option we had was to just marry each other. I didn’t need the sex or to solidify the marriage completely since gay marriage wasn’t recognized yet by the rest of the world. To me this would signify that no matter what she had me. She was the one person that understood me and didn’t play games mentally with me. I planned out an entire proposal. I went ring shopping to get her the promise ring. I found a beautiful yet simple ruby ring encased in silver and decided to pop the question.
I got down on my knees and asked her to be my link to life until death. She beamed with happiness as I proposed. We agreed that we didn’t need anyone else as long as we had each other. I told her I didn’t care if she dated and even married a guy. As long as we were married to each other, we could tackle the world.
The Renaissance festival was in town for Valentine’s Day so we decided that would be the perfect backdrop for our exchanging of the rings and promise ceremony. There amongst the fairies and the gargoyles we dressed up and exchanged rings. She bought me a ruby ring with matching silver bands to solidify the ceremony.
From that moment on she was my wife. We both agreed I was most masculine so I would get the title of husband. I loved how she gleamed that day. The wreath of flowers on her head with her fairy wings and glitter everywhere. We drank and by the end of the night both of us were on cloud nine giggling.
We hopped into her little white Miata and drove down the beach. A police officer made the mistake of pulling us over, only to get her giggling and flirting terribly with him. We must have been a sight because he let us off with a warning and laughed as he left us to drive off. Sara drove straight to a friend’s bar. Johnny Mac had been a long time friend of Sara and an occasional romp when she wanted sex without attachment. Secretly I think Johnny really loved Sara but he was afraid to make the leap. Sara adored him and honestly Johnny was a great guy that always greeted us with a smile. Sara and Johnny probably could’ve gone somewhere except Johnny had a girlfriend, so Sara settled for the occasional meet ups at the bar.
Johnny had been the bartender of choice a lot of the time after I returned from Vegas and so he jokingly called me Vegas instead of any of the other names I went by. His bar was that perfect hole in the wall next to the beach where you could hide away and play pool without a huge crowd even on the busy nights. He was always smiling and ready to talk. Johnny was about 5’9 with a bald head and a New York Italian in his early 30’s with a medium build. He would constantly give us money to hit the jukebox and play a bunch of good songs. I looked forward to nights at his bar mainly for the great conversation and fun banter. His eyes were always smiling in general but they shone a little brighter when he saw Sara. She had that effect on a lot of people.
The next 2 weeks Sara called me her wife. We would have dinner together almost every night between both apartments. I was still slowly moving in and so was Claire. We did our shopping together and ran some errands and split ways to go to work. My nightclub coworkers were used to it when she would come hunting me down at the bar when I worked the VIP parties so at that point they didn’t ask questions. Sara had also started talking to a new guy that lived in Pensacola in the military before we had done our promise ceremony and was now talking about going to visit him for a few days at the end of the month. We had already agreed that no matter what, dating wouldn’t change because our marriage was more a marriage of friendship. In my eyes it didn’t matter if we were sexual or it was a real marriage on paper. She was my partner for life.
She planned a whole week vacation to go visit him and the few days before she left we day drank and had as much fun as possible. Looking back now, part of me almost wonders if she was partying on purpose. She spent the entire week with him and while she was gone Claire and I worked a lot for the club. Sara came back in love with her new friend and I was happy for her. The next two days Claire and I had decided to officially move fully out of the boxes in the apartment and started the great unpacking between work so we could settle in. The third day after Saras return she started to whine about the matter that she hadn’t heard from her new man. I kept telling her that because he was in the military, he probably was stuck on duty since he had taken the PTO to spend the week with her.I tried to convince her she need not worry and he would more than likely call within the next 2 days. It was the 4th day after her return when she really started to wallow in self pity and started a downward spiral into worst case scenarios. Her biggest fear was that she had completely fucked it up and done something wrong with this amazing guy. Claire and I tried to calm her fears but it seemed that she was in panic mode. She popped a xanax and decided to go hang with a friend for a bit. When she returned Claire and I were surrounded by boxes and at the tail end of the last bit in a serious zone of unpacking. Sara came up the stairs and burst into the apartment crying. She had gone out with her boss to discuss work and drove his car and gotten into a fender bender and she was panicking. Claire and I tried to console her but I felt that the xanax was causing more of the mood swing than anything because her mood would bounce back just as fast as we got her calmed down. Every topic she brought up we tried to calm her fears. Finally at one point it looked as if we won the battle. Sara calmed down and I told her to write everything she was feeling about the situation to her new guy and in the morning if she hadn’t heard from him I would send it out just in case he was avoiding the calls like she feared, but I still persisted that he was probably on duty.
Sara went downstairs to collect her thoughts. Claire and I were exhausted from the whole day of events and by the time the last box was empty, we both were ready for bed. I climbed into my bed and started to doze off as Sara came in again. It was around 2 am and I was groggy and almost asleep. She Said she had the letter for me to send out but she was going to make a few more changes and she wanted me to pick it up from her desk in the morning. She stated she would leave the door unlocked so she wouldn’t have to wake me again. I confirmed that I would send it out and that in the mean time to remember that tomorrow was a new day and by tomorrow everything would be fine. I told her I Loved her and she agreed and said she loved me too as I drifted off to sleep.
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