Chapter 16

The New Life
I decided to go to a tattoo shop that I had worked at briefly years before that was further North of Boca to get a job for the evenings. I knew that I didn’t want to be home as much as possible with Patti and I needed money flow to help pay for the baby. When I went, the old owner was happy to see my return.
The new manager Jason was a large guy that definitely had more ego than looks and he reminded me of a chubby Viking. His wife Shawna was a beautiful blonde that did piercings at the shop and worked only when needed. There were 2 other guys there around my age but both were still learning and pretty mellow. It was perfect for a place to escape to from Boca while making money.
I told Patti that I planned on only staying as long as I needed and I should be working a lot until everything straightened out. She basically just went about life as normal but would complain that I wasn’t home much.
I was working most of the days as the front end cashier manager at Whole Foods and my evenings were now at the tattoo shop. Any time in between I worked doing any job I could. I would balance everything and do cocktail waitressing on the occasional major event with the clubs I knew. Anything to make money to get my own place faster and pay off my doctor.
It was 3 weeks into working at the tattoo shop. While sitting in my station one evening I saw a tall dark haired guy walk in with his back turned away from me. It looked and smelt like T from Pennsylvania. My immediate reaction was shock and before I could stop myself I blurted out “What the Fuck are you doing here?” The stranger turned to me and that’s when I realized it wasn’t T. There he stood smiling as I’m sure my face said it all. I profusely apologized,  “ I’m so sorry, I thought you were someone else” He smiled wider and laughed it off. Asking me who I thought he was. I tried to brush it off and tell him an ex but he cocked an eyebrow in interest. I ignored it and asked him if I could help him. He was a bouncer from the pool hall next door and came over to see if we had any change for some large bills.
I checked and gave him the change I had. He smiled and exited while saying he would see me later.
Shawna caught the tail end of the exchange and started in with the questions. She thought it was funny how I mistook him for my ex, and started asking about my past. I really didn’t want to get too much into my past at that point so I kept it short. She caught on fairly quick that I was not in the market for anyone since the last one left me with a big mess and a bun in the oven.
After she learned about the baby, that’s all she would go on about. She would tell me all about her pregnancies with her kids and how her husband loved it when she was pregnant and so on. I liked being able to ask her questions from time to time but otherwise it was more of an overkill of conversations about sex mostly.  I was good. I just wanted to pay my bills and get started on moving forward.
The bouncer from the pool hall, Joe started coming to the shop almost daily. He would stop in and try to flirt with me. Don’t get me wrong, he was cute, standing at 6’6” with dark hair with some gray here and there and brown eyes. He reminded me too much of T though. He wore the same style clothes, cologne and listened to the same kind of music. He would come into the shop trying to be smooth, stand close to me and smile. I told him, if he was anything like the guy I originally thought he was, that we were not good together and to just give it up. He would smile and laugh and keep trying. One day I finally just turned to him and told him. “I’m insta family, just add water and here comes the baby, do you really want to deal with that kinda headache?” He just smiled and cocked his head slightly looked me up and down then answered ” I’m down.”
He was cocky and persistent. I’d give him that. But I still wasn’t looking to be with anyone. I had enough on my plate. The last thing I needed or wanted in my life was another person to screw me over and show me how bad my love life decisions were.

Florida was on target for 3 hurricanes that September and they all came barreling in one after another in less than 2 weeks time. The grocery store was chaos and the shop basically closed for the week.The first 2 hurricanes came through and left carnage everywhere so I jumped into helping clear drains in the complex and cut trees. I started cooking over the fireplace on the grill while Patti watched me as I plowed through no matter what was going on. She was always bewildered at my survival without any normal amenities.  The day of the last hurricane I had spotting and my heart sank. Panic set in. I instantly feared the loss of this unexpected baby. Patti took me to the hospital, only to see the beautiful baby girl waving back at me in the ultrasound. I remember looking at her little body almost looking right at me and waving in the ultrasound and thinking, “ We got this, no matter what, we got this.”
Thankfully she was fine but they worried that it might be a blood vessel and just wanted me to take care. Since I had already miscarried before, I now worried daily to make sure I gave myself the self care I needed.
In the wake of the first storms I was helping wield the chainsaw and cut down trees in our path of the streets and moving large pieces of wood and debris but now I would recheck myself and delegate it to others.

Patti was occasionally acting like she wanted to be in the baby’s life but I could tell she really was more interested in the social aspect of it.There was no baby clothes shopping or trying to stock up on anything.  She was already thinking about the baby shower and I was just trying to get through the days. I had gotten my account back to normal fairly quickly and got my car rekeyed so now it was all about paying off the childbirth so that I wouldn’t have that over my head.
I was filing for any financial aid through the state to help but kept getting stonewalled.
While working the day shift at Whole Foods my daytime manager was causing as many obstacles as she could. She had taken a personal vendetta towards me after I had stood my ground for her misconduct towards me in front of customers. I was now the object of her hate.
I couldn’t catch a break.
The other front end managers that worked with me were feeling it too. The manager slowly started to fire each one because they wouldn’t fire me. I had moved up the ladder very quickly in the time I was there and the whole front end counter team counted on me more than most. The accountant even wanted to make me her assistant since I was so effective at my job. Every day the manager would try to find any way she could to pick at me and each time her ego would take a hit when the other team members would eliminate her leverage.
I knew that the job wasn’t going to be forever with whole foods but I was trying to buy time so that I could keep money coming in and have medical coverage if anything.
Between Patti and the Manager at Whole Foods I was always just waiting on the mood swings of the other women around me. I always thought that was ironic since isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?
Joe was persistent in his efforts to visit the shop while I was there. He was growing on me but I constantly pushed the envelope to see if he would run. I didn’t need any more drama in my life. I would go to the adult store around the corner for visual references often and now Joe would opt to walk with me. Over time I started enjoying his company and finally gave in to his persistent flirting.
The pregnancy was making my hormones jump and sexual urges were a new world that I didn’t expect.
Finally after Joe tried yet again to crack a joke I gave in and told him that I wasn’t looking for a baby daddy, I wasn’t looking for the man of my dreams, I just wanted to have sex. He offered himself completely. I constantly was in a mental battle of if I should even do it so I settled the argument in my head by telling Joe to give me a kiss first. If the kiss sucked and there was no energy, the problem was solved, but if it was good then no harm, no foul.
He leaned in and kissed me and I could feel energy, whether it was the hormones or not. Now, I wanted to at least enjoy some sexual release. I figured at least I could have someone as a safe space to let off steam with.
I gave him my address and told him to meet me there after work.
In all honesty I’m not going into pregnancy sex detail but it was fun and even a little comical.
Afterwards I let him know that in a normal situation, I would kick him out, but it was late and at least a 45 minute drive back to the house. Between the exhaustion and him being at least a relaxing conversation, I let him stay. I was too tired to be the one to force any confrontation.
After that he would frequent the shop more and more and started showing up at my place even when he was supposed to be working. I always wondered why, since he had a group of girls from the pool hall that would constantly trail after him. I constantly gave him the chance to go elsewhere when they would try to make plans but he would always blow them off. I kept trying to get through to him that once the baby would arrive I knew the dynamic would change, but he refused to listen. I took it as I was just the safer option,you know, can’t get a pregnant girl pregnant.
Patti started to get wary of Joe being around.
She casually commented that she thought we needed to do a background check on him. I couldn’t stop laughing, coming from the woman who had a track record that was front page news multiple times. She didn’t like when I pointed out that fact. So then she started to focus on the shower, it was a more welcome conversation. Patti had a laundry list of people she wanted to invite and started arguing that she wanted Jane to attend. There was no way in hell I wanted Jane back in my life, let alone near my child for her to steal from in the future as well. This became a heated topic at home to the point where Patti threatened to not even have the shower at all. I knew it wouldn’t ever happen anyway since she kept selecting the most expensive places to pick for a location and we didn’t have the money.I want going to be able to afford it and I knew she didn’t have it since I was giving her money whenever she needed it for bills. No matter how many times I tried to point out the obvious lack of funding Patti would become more irate. I was always trying to reign in her spending. I was paying for groceries and stocking the fridge most of the time since I had a discount with whole foods and giving her and my doctor the rest of my money most of the time to keep the overhead down on bills. Patti always tried to overspend where it wasn’t needed and when it was needed she would ignore it and completely deflect.
I was just starting to save here and there when Patti went out of town to Nashville to do hair for an event.
She was gone for 1 week, and it was a relaxing week. The day she returned she came home, put her luggage down and blurted out that she had bought a house in Nashville and we were moving in less than 4 months.
It was a huge shock to the system. Patti was pissed when I started asking questions. She wanted me to blindly follow but I knew our track record. There were too many issues. She expected to move before I gave birth, yet I was a high risk pregnancy and she didn’t care. When I brought up that I didn’t want to move to a new place when I was at high risk and did not know where the hospital was or the route to get there, let alone the issue of moving anything while being very pregnant, she instantly blamed me saying that she knew I would back out of going. She blamed me for thinking logically for myself and yet she never once asked me before she bought the house if I would want to go. She was stuck in this delusion that she was going to have everything magically happen but would never look at the reality that all she did was make more work for me and leave me to be her servant.
This was just another notch in the board.
The constant berating started after that. Any moment I was home she would bark orders of what she wanted packed. One of my only mornings off where Joe and I planned on sleeping in finally, she came barging in at 7am demanding I go to the Dunkin donuts and get her coffee. Joe was constantly left speechless with her antics. I was getting bigger and bigger by the weeks. As winter approached Patti became more frantic about packing and began pressing me to move heavy objects, so instead Joe would take the job. We both agreed she was acting as though she wanted me to miscarry and was trying to do everything she could to make me miserable.
Looking back it saddens me to think how I took that treatment instead of realizing that I was never going to have the loving connection and care of my mother that one would in that time of their life. I was nothing but a means to get things done for her and a money stream when she didn’t want to take responsibility.
After the new year I decided to take Joe on a trip to the keys to break free from Patti’s tactics and give us a break. He had never been, I missed it terribly and longed for a break from all the stress.
Between the manager at Whole Foods, Patti and the constant flow of girls always still trying to text or call Joe, we both always were just trying to get a minute to breathe.
We went for 3 days and had a blast. I loved watching him enjoy the experience as we went to my favorite places and he met people I knew from a life not too long ago. I knew the hotel staff and they upgraded our room to the Presidential suite. The suite overlooked the main drag. It was massive and relaxing.We ate at my favorite places, I took him to my favorite spots and we even got to see the key deer . Joe was shocked to see me surrounded by the deer as they came to me and licked my hands and let me pet them.
When it came time to leave I was reluctant. The friends I knew even tried to give me options for job openings they knew I would be hired at, but in the end I knew I needed to stay closer to my doctor in Boca for the baby.
We returned to Boca feeling refreshed and went back to normal life.
Joe would persistently request that I make us official but I didn’t need to. I figured if he wanted to be there he would. I had not looked further into anything with anyone else and Joe occupied most of my free time. I was done expecting anything of anyone.
It was not long after Valentine’s Day when Patti really flipped her lid and was getting down to the wires on moving day.
Shawna and J offered their couch to me until I could find a place, knowing I was now getting more and more stressed. They were going to be moving into a bigger home and offered that we be roommates so the option was the best move I could see on the table.
I packed up after a huge blow out with Patti that ended in her stating that there would be no baby shower since Jane wasn’t allowed to come.
I had gotten used to the strings in my family and knew that it would never happen to begin with. I knew she was just making an excuse. It was my exit from there. I knew it would only get worse if I stayed and knew when to take my cue.
I packed my car and landed on their couch in the middle of March. I was feeling defeated that here I was pregnant and not even able to get an apartment yet since I’d already spent all my money with the doctors and medical bills while paying Patti and barely had much but I was starting to stock up baby items whenever I could. I had saved boxes of wipes with some diapers and gotten myself a pack and play along with the stroller car seat combo. Some co workers and friends occasionally gifted me with clothes or little toys but all in all I had maybe a small duffle bag full of items for the baby.
The morning after I moved on the couch, my phone rang early that morning and without looking I answered. It was Erk. He was working in J and Shawna’s neighborhood, spotted my car and called to ask if it was me .
My flight or fight kicked in. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!? What are the fucking odds!?!?
He wanted to see me. I was in panic mode even more. What was I going to tell him as to why I’m the size of a house and obviously pregnant. I was panicking and Joe could see it. I hung up telling him I would call him back in a minute, I needed to pee.
I got off the phone and Joe dove into the excuses we could give. I could say it was his, but I wouldn’t be this big. I knew if I said I cheated, he would lose it and I didn’t need that drama. So we came up with an excuse. I would tell him it was Joe’s and I was pregnant with twins. That seemed like the most believable that would keep him at bay. All I knew was that I didn’t want to invite his bullshit into my life.
He called me before I could call him back and I dove into our story. He now really wanted to see me. I walked out to see him 2 houses down waiting for me. He tried to apologize for his actions and had a ton of questions as to why I ended up there. I told him that Joe and I had just moved in together and that we were expecting twins. I lied and said I was 5 months along since my size was believable for having twins. He wondered when we had met and I had lied and said that before he had pulled his stunt that Joe was a friend but helped during the cleanup and that was how we ended up together.  By the end of the conversation he seemed to understand I didn’t want him near me and we went our separate ways.
Joe and I just kept to ourselves as much as possible.
He had started sleeping on the couch next to me every night and basically moved in with me.
Shawna and J got free babysitting with us there and the kids were always a pleasure to hang out with. I would cook breakfast and  dinner as much as possible.
After a couple of weeks I took early maternity leave at Whole Foods so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the manager anymore since her antics were getting more and more irritating. I was glad to be rid of all the extra drama. Shawna and J didn’t seem like drama at first but then as time went on, Joey and I noticed that Shawna thrived on stirring the pot with people. We both just tried to keep out of the line of fire.
In all the months that passed I kept applying for Medicaid and kept getting denied and it wasn’t until 3 weeks before I gave birth that I finally got approved. It gave me a sigh of relief to know that if anything happened I wouldn’t be drowning in more debt.
It was at the same time that we all moved into the bigger house together. Joe and I were supposed to get our own room but in the end Joe and I ended up having to partition the dining room to make our own space. It wasn’t ideal but I figured all I needed was to get through the next 6 months at most.
I watched as Shawna lied and cheated on her husband constantly and would use us to defer the kids’ attention. I knew this would be another short lived situation and was trying to get my ducks in a row as to at least line up babysitters for me so I could work to get us out of there as soon as possible.
The morning I went into labor all I could think about was making sure I tried to just stay calm and get as relaxed as possible.  She had punctured the top of my amniotic sac so it was a small trickle every 20-30 minutes. I drove to the hospital while Joe ate the sandwich I made for him. Once in the hospital at noon,  the doctor checked in and predicted the baby wouldn’t make her arrival until later that night. Joe and I settled in for the day. He knew I didn’t want any distractions during our time. He knew I had more than enough the whole time and instructed the staff to not let anyone that wasn’t approved into the room. We only had 2 people on the list that we trusted.
My daughter Slater was born at 4:30pm with no complications. Joe cried and I was just thankful that it was done. It wasn’t hard labor, it was just uncomfortable and I didn’t like the nurses that were trying to constantly convince me to take drugs when I didn’t need them.

When it was time to get to the recovery room, we were both excited for the privacy. We spent 3 days in the hospital enjoying the quiet and beginning days of motherhood. 

I was discharged and sent home on Mother’s Day. 

Joe drove home doing the exact speed limit the whole way and was in hyper alert mode.

We settled into the makeshift room and the first night was the hardest. 

I had been told  colic was the cause of my daughter’s gas and fussiness. She was inconsolable. Thankfully Shawna showed me how to ease it and gave me a second to eat at one point. I would walk up and down the street most of the night every night so that I wouldn’t disturb the family. Tension started to build instantly after I got home and I could feel it, so I tried to give space. Slater would calm down just in time for feeding again and start all over again.

Erk called the day after I arrived home. I knew he was fishing. I told him I went into labor early and lost one of the twins and didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with him. I could tell he wanted confirmation that it was his but I wouldn’t give him that. I had long decided that he would not be in our lives unless I had proof that he was clean and sober for at least 2 years straight. Thankfully he took the hint and hung up without an argument. The last thing I wanted was more drama and issues and it seemed like that was all I was getting from people. I was hoping everyone would just be decent. 

After a few days of spending time with Slater ,I knew I had to go back to work if I was going to change the living situation. It wasn’t very comfortable and I was tired of walking on eggshells with the baby if she cried, which was almost every 3 hours.

I had booked an appointment and asked Joe to watch the baby and agreed that if anything he could bring her to the shop mid appointment for a break. I was almost to the shop when my client called me wondering if everything was ok. He had arrived to find my station packed up and J had informed him that I had been fired. It was all news to me and my client knew it. Thankfully he was understanding and caring enough that he paid up front so that I could at least have diaper money and something to start my journey elsewhere and he promised to be patient.

I arrived to find him waiting in the parking lot. We talked and I went in to gather my things. After I packed up my things I drove back to the house. 

Joe seemed to not be completely side swiped like I was, so I started to see that it was time to go. I knew he was only  going to be temporary and once the baby arrived he would flip the switch so it came as no surprise and it wasn’t a hard blow.

I called a friend Sue and she immediately got to work on helping me figure out where to go. 

Later that evening I isolated myself from the rest of the house while they all went in the pool. I had finally gotten Slater to sleep and just wanted to relax when there was a knock at the door. 

I answered to find Mike, a local police officer looking at me confused. He was responding to a call that Shawna had made claiming I was throwing furniture at them in the pool and causing issues and she wanted me removed. He looked at me and he saw Slater sleeping calmly in my arms and knew it was all a lie. Shawna came rolling up behind me in a wheelchair that just basically appeared out of nowhere.

We shared a look and she pushed past me to fuel her lie and talk to him. After they were done she rolled past me like nothing happened and Mike had me come outside to talk to him.

Once we swapped stories we both knew this would only escalate if I stayed much longer. She had lied saying she was battling MS {which was a new revelation}and I was verbally and physically getting abusive in the house. I told him how I was already working on the exit since I had the feeling it was going this way because of the earlier issues that day.

I felt like no matter what I just couldn’t get my standing, but thankfully Mike understood the ordeal and told Shawna to back off. He knew when I answered the door with a content sleeping baby it was all a lie. Her theatrics of wheeling herself out when he knew she walked perfectly fine was the kicker in his eyes.

I went in to pack and get the ball rolling on my exit. I confronted Shawna about her issues and told her to give me 3 days and I would be gone.

I then confronted Joe and wanted answers as to if he was coming too or if it was just me continuing my journey with Slater. As my first instincts had been right, he wasn’t going with me. 

He was given the chance to stay and was talking about it. I took it as a blessing. The less people to fuck me over at that point, the better. I had Slater and I to worry about and I was tired of everyone letting me down. At this point I just wanted to be as far away from everyone as humanly possible.

My friend Sue got back to me the next day. Her and her husband had known me for years and knew all the drama I had endured with my family. They offered to get me an apartment and give me a job at their company.  I could bring Slater to work and they would put the money down for the deposit and first month and I could pay them back in my first couple of checks.

They were my Angels sent from the Universe.

It was my exit. The apartment was rented and I was packed up with what little I had and moved by the 3rd day. 

I thanked Joe for making my pregnancy at least bearable and he offered to help drive anything I needed to move. After his help he left and it was just Slater and I in an empty 2 bedroom apartment 45 minutes away from any of the last bits of the chaos.