Chapter 17

Only one way to go from Here

I blew up an air mattress and started by hooking up the TV to the DVD player. I was now in Port St. Lucie, alone with just my daughter and I in an empty apartment, but it felt like it was the most relaxing thing I had experienced in almost 3 years.
The apartment was behind a Walmart so at least my food and shopping were close in the event of an emergency. I had my snake tank, a large duffel bag of my clothes and the pack n play and stroller for Slater, along with all her clothes and toys I had collected for her with whatever I could save. I slept soundly on that air mattress and would have cared less about furniture, as long as Slater had everything she needed.
I had learned of her milk allergy just a week before while sitting in traffic next to a trucker. We were stuck there for a few hours and while I shut off my car and fed her. The trucker came down to visit me and saw her slight rash that the doctors had brushed off as milk bumps.  He informed me of his grandson having the same allergy and it all made sense. After the traffic cleared I went straight to the store and got a different formula and now her colic was gone and her fussiness was down to bare minimum. (I still think about that trucker and wish I could thank him) Slater’s colic disappeared and her fussiness went away almost instantly. Even the rash “milk bumps” were gone after only 1 day and there were no more hints of diaper rash.

Work was not far away so I made sure to bring the pack and play to the office so that I could have a place set for her there. I had one other guy in the office and he was the drafter for the land surveying company I would be doing data processing for.
John was a tall,thin guy that kept to himself. He showed me my things and basically would disappear into his office for the rest of the day. It was a complete flip from last year and I was happy to have it .
Work was easy for the most part, mainly a lot of printing and making folders for the surveys and speaking on phone calls from the title companies. Slater would get crankie from time to time but it was usually for food or a diaper change. As luck would have it there was a pediatrician right down stairs from the office so it made life much easier.
It wasn’t even a month later that my car got repoed because I was more worried about providing for my daughter than I was about making the payment. Between the rent and trying to pay back Sue and her husband I wasn’t really worried about the car since work was only about 2 miles from the apartment.It was taken the morning I was actually set to sell it so I took it as a loss and just planned on walking to work.
I would load Slater up in the stroller and walk everyday to and from work, rain or shine.
During the month Joe called every 3 days. He would call to check in but I could hear his depression through the phone. His best friend’s girlfriend and I had become close and she was constantly giving me play by play updates on everything that happened in my absence.
The day I moved out, Shawna had thrown a party and tried hooking  Joe up with a chick that she wanted to keep around. He had gone with it and since my exit had been with a few women. I really didn’t care but Ali(the friend’s girlfriend) told me how he only looked like he was just going through the motions and was otherwise miserable.
Honestly I figured it would go that way so nothing she told me was a surprise. Only surprise was that he kept calling me to check up on us. I figured he would walk away and never look back so I chalked it up to a guilty conscience.
Once my car got repoed, Joe started coming up to visit randomly. He would make the excuse that he didn’t want me walking in the rain, or if it was hot out. Either way it was my burden to carry and I had learned to deal with anything since my life seemed to be one joke after another.
I had been given furniture by a family friend and had started slowly filling the apartment. I had been trying to save every penny to pay bills and pay my girlfriend and her husband back for their generosity.
I would go to the pool, Park or  Walmart when I wasn’t working. I made a few friends with other moms in the area and started building friendships. They saw the raw end of my struggle and were amazing in trying to help in any way they could in showing me how to cope with my situation.
I was getting by and just trying to keep going, no matter what life was throwing at me. The other women in my office building would come to check in on me and my daughter. The random women that gave me just a daily nod helped in so many ways that no family member ever did. I’ll forever be grateful to all those mom’s.
One day the office staff from the office next door to ours, came to check in on me and informed me that they had received a call about me. They were child protective services and I had no clue since I never really paid attention to their business. I always just kept my head down and worked, only speaking when spoken to. Someone had made accusations that my daughter was neglected but they knew better so they decided to completely ignore the call since they saw us daily and knew she was well taken care of. I had figured it was Shawna just trying to pull another stint since she wasn’t winning with Joe. But looking back I know now that it wasn’t her.
Around the fourth of July I finally had enough of Joe and his wish wash antics. He had tried to come and talk but it was more to extend the offer for sex and I wasn’t going to muddle the waters.I decided I was done and going to make the move to get him to just move on. Ali and I planned on ditching the guys and going out on our own for the holiday. I told Joe I had a date with an old ex that I had run into just so he would leave me alone and I could give him the clear consideration that he didn’t need to feel guilty to stick around.
Ali and I went to another mom’s house that was throwing a bar b que. We spent the day enjoying it all and turned off the cellphone so that I didn’t have to worry about any more distractions.
The day was a success of fun and sun and by the end of it both Slater and I were worn out and really ready to sleep. The next day I had off and was ready to relax. Ali had gone home that night. I turned on my phone to hear a ton of messages from Joe. I called him back to settle the conversation. He was worried about me since my phone was off but I simply explained how it was just so I could enjoy my time. He settled after that and seemed to relax.  I could tell he was still uneasy enough though of me dating. Joe tried to pry into the events of the day but I left it basic. We hung up on decent terms but I knew it wouldn’t be the last I heard from him. 
I returned to work as usual and life continued.
2 days later after work, Joe showed up on my doorstep. He was visibly hesitant to even be at my door. I let him in so that I could cook myself my dinner and talk. He was mentally at war internally and I could see it. He stood there quietly, I finally asked what brought him to my door. He broke the silence. He had been driving back and forth on the highway for over the last hour. Everytime he would turn back to go home, he would turn back around towards me. He admitted he was confused and needed to talk. I sat down and let him spill his feelings. He confessed that he missed me and my daughter. That he hated being separated from us and constantly wished he could just pick up the phone and talk to me but he didn’t know what to do. He admitted that the minute he heard I had a date, he hated every second that I didn’t answer the phone. He broke down crying saying that he didn’t want to lose us and he couldn’t bear not being without me anymore.  I admit I missed him but I also wasn’t going to cave if it was going to be temporary and all he wanted was sex. I explained that I didn’t know why he stayed with Shawna after I left and I still felt like he was somehow being loyal to her and I didn’t trust it.
That was when he let the cat out of the bag.
Shawna had originally asked him to hook up with me as a favor.
For a man trying to plead his case I couldn’t hear a single word as every moment we spent together ran in my head and was all now tainted by the thought that Shawna had set it up to keep me close for her husband that had a pregnancy fetish. I felt sick. I was now enraged. Why come back? Was it another favor to her? Was it all a set up, and for what!?! Why continue coming back, what else did they want from me?
I voiced every question that rambled in my head and he stammered to plead and answer every one. Then the final question. Why are you here then? That’s when he looked me in the eyes with tears running down his cheeks and answered. “Because, at first it was a favor but, despite it all, I fell in love with you.”

I needed a minute. My head was spinning and there were so many questions reeling in my head. What if it’s all a lie? What if he’s just going to leave again? Could I truly trust him again? Should I trust him? What was the end game with all of this? Was this a sick game to mentally screw with me? I mean I had already dealt with my sociopath family and their antics so why should I trust someone who just showed me they played that same game.
When I was done in my head, I looked up to see him crying and pleading to forgive him.
I did love the idea of our relationship before and Slater loved him, she would calm down when he was around. They had a bond that was unspoken.
I decided to give him a chance but with major boundaries. My first rule was absolutely no more lies.  If he wanted to come back to us then I wouldn’t put up with it. My second rule was absolutely no Shawna in either of our lives. If he wanted to stay with her then we wouldn’t be together. And the rest of my boundaries and warnings followed from there.
After a couple hours of talking he decided to move out of Shawna and J ‘s place the next morning and in with me. We spent the rest of the night talking and dealing with Slater and her needs for feeding and changing.

I had said my peace on the whole subject of Shawna and we had come to an understanding that no matter what there was to be no more lies. He was working at the bar as a bouncer and I knew that despite him wanting to be with me, that temptation would be in his face daily. We came to an agreement that no matter what there would be no lies, no switching of phone numbers and no second times with anyone he might get involved with at the bar. I figured that no matter how hard he might try to avoid the drunken girls, I also knew how they would throw themselves at him. I also figured if he was going to leave, he was going to leave no matter how hard I tried, so I mine as well just let life show me what he wanted. There was no amount of arguing or fighting that was worth keeping someone who didn’t want to be there. All I wanted was honesty and peace, that was all I cared about anymore.

Joe moved in and now we rotated schedules with work. He worked nights and I worked days so once he got home I’d take his truck to work with Slater and he got to sleep undisturbed until mid afternoon. The schedules worked out perfectly.
I was now in contact with Patti on a rare occasion since she reached back out and would try to keep it civil. She would call to touch base and usually complain about whatever was the new gripe of the week. Jane had tried to send a crib to my place but I sent it back. I didn’t want anything to do with her. She had done enough and I wasn’t going to give her any room to come back and taint Slater and I’s life.
Joe and I moved into a groove. We worked 5 days a week each and rotated out schedules so that we were always with Slater and always had down time.
The CPS workers even consulted us and added us to the local church Angel tree for Christmas that year, knowing I was extremely tight on funds.  It was just what we needed. I felt horrible that I didn’t have much but I also was putting every ounce into surviving and trying to get furniture. At night, while Joe was at work,I would sew any curtains or clothes I could for Slater. I would spend the night painting or cleaning up whatever furniture I could get my hands on bulk garbage day. Thankfully with Walmart in walking distance I had access to tons of crafty things to help me keep occupied.
I would do my crafts until it was around 2 or 3 am and then go to sleep, then around 7am Joe would come home just in time to give Slater her morning feeding. After her morning feeding they would both lay down and I had time to get ready for work without distraction. Slater and I would set off for work around 9am and Joe would crash out for the day. While I was at work Slater hung out in the pack and play, watching movies and playing with her toys. My work day usually ended by 5pm and we would head home just in time for Joe to be up and watch Slater while I cooked dinner before he had to leave for work for the night. It was a basic schedule that worked.
I didn’t see getting a car as a possibility since we were barely scraping by most months. Joe would take the truck to work and while he slept I took it to do any errands I needed. I had every ounce of time taken to either work or taking care of Slater, so my art took a back burner while I tried to at least level out the finances. I would still tattoo any close friends at my place late at night while Slater slept to keep myself at least in the mindset.
I appreciated the factor of working at the office but  I knew it wasn’t a long term job. I hated working all day in the office staring at the computer and files, it was soul sucking some days. Slater would settle in and deal with the routine but she would also get restless. The girls in the office next door would provide a nice break from time to time even if it was just long enough for me to go to the bathroom or to get just some other adult women time to talk to people who understood the challenges of having a baby.
Most everyone I knew from my hometown didn’t bother to call me back , let alone actually be present in my life. It was as if all my old friends disappeared.
The biggest solace I found was at the neighborhood pool. I had met some of the other local residents and a single mom of two, Jan. Jan worked as a masseuse and had the girls full time so we became babysitter buddies. I would watch her girls from time to time and she would help with slater when needed.
After almost a year of working in the office I decided it was time to try to get back into tattooing again. I found a local shop and went in one day after work. We talked and I was hired to work weekends so that I didn’t have to worry about taking over my other work schedule and a paycut.  The shop was decently busy but not constant.
Patti and I had conversed and visited here and there when we could with her in Nashville.
I kept the schedule for a while until John at the Surveying company had started to lag in his work. I had repeatedly found jobs he had ignored or had hidden from me and I was starting to get slack from the other office with them thinking it was me not doing my job. It wasn’t until I found over 20 jobs he hadn’t logged in and hidden that I realized that the job was coming to a close. The main office wanted me to regulate him and basically hover over him and I didn’t want to be in the position  of mothering someone who knew better and choosing to do it.

I talked to my friend Sue and let her know of my standing and we agreed that it was a fruitless battle so they decided to bring him to their office and close the North office. We kept our friendship since I had kept my word and paid them back.

I moved on to the tattoo studio full-time.
Joe and I settled into a great routine and really started to enjoy our time raising Slater.
I loved watching her grow as a human. Seeing her interact with everything and everyone.
The other artist and owner of the shop seemed really awesome with the whole experience. The shop’s owner was Dan Jr. And his father owned another shop up the road and it was run by Dan Sr.

Senior Would call regularly and talk shop with me when Junior wasn’t present.  Senior’s ex wife {Juniors mom} was also an artist that opened her own permanent make-up salon not far around as well so it was a family of artists that I was surrounded by. I loved watching their dynamic of constantly still helping each other and still looking out for each other.
I started to make friends with the local bartender next to the shop (I went there all the time for change)and Joe was still working at the bar down in West Palm enjoying the friends he had made there as well.
I was going through the routine of life. Working, play dates, family days, social days with friends, doctors appointments and just living.
It was a beautiful flow to it all.
Slater was almost 2 and I started planning her birthday. Joe and I had decided to move into a different apartment and it was all going to happen the same weekend as Slater’s 2nd birthday.
Patti had decided to come join us for what was looking to be a crazy weekend between the birthday party, Mother’s Day and then moving the Monday following.
Slater had her round of vaccines due the week before and we moved forward with life.
Little did I know that this was the stone thrown into the pond that was to ripple into the waves in our lives.