Into the void
The Private School was annoying. Tons of pretentious trust fund kids complaining how they wrecked their Corvette so Daddy bought them a new one. I didn’t fit in, and they knew it. The kids that were doing time there like myself were just trying to get through the day. I didn’t want to engage there and looked forward to leaving the school grounds the minute the bell rang. Some of the students noticed I was definitely not normal when my tattoo here or there would occasionally pop out of a wardrobe malfunction. For the most part I kept myself dodging and weaving the interactions while bending any rules I could.
I still had dirt on some of the staff but not enough to really get myself under the radar.. instead I became known by the staff as a girl that knew too much.. The principal would just change my class if the teacher was combative with me… The first one was my English teacher.. First argument because I couldn’t afford the book yet. When I informed her I paid my own way,she talked down to me until the principal backed me up. Next was the math teacher who realized I could do calculus and was barely enticed to do basic math. That wiped 2 subjects out and so the principal gave me free periods the last 2 classes of the day. Next was the teacher who got angry when I pointed out the obvious flaws to their rule book when it came to parking… Yep let’s just say they pretty much just left me alone after that. If it wasn’t my tattoos that set me apart it was my brains.
It was about mid year when my biological dad Billy came around. He supposedly wanted to try to recover a relationship since I was old enough to fend for myself. He was dating someone and they lived close to my new school in his townhouse that he owned. I figured I’d give him a chance since I never really knew much about him. I only ever got a birthday gift sent when I turned 16 . When I opened it, all I saw was 4 tennis outfits and a tennis racket . He knew nothing about me, so I could only assume that his latest girlfriend was into that sort of thing. He was like the one who shall not be named in my house. My mother always said he was horrible and after how she acted to me growing up I figured what could hurt to see the other side of the coin. Little did I know… (But we will get to that)
D and I were starting to talk about life after graduating and possible marriage. I told him I didn’t care about the ring or any of it as long as we were together and all I cared about was moving out of Mom’s the minute I turned 18. He agreed because he hated dealing with her fake niceties just as much as I did. He cringed at the days where she would start a fight and it would always trigger his anxiety. I would have to send him to the warehouse to make sure he didn’t have to witness her lashings. He knew she would beat on me if she was given the chance and he dreaded ever having to witness it. He was usually the one to ice my wounds at the end of the night and soothe my anger.
At this point she was with her boyfriend who was well off so she would travel a lot, but when she was home it was full force crazy woman. D would panic when she would start ranting and I would have to play the buffer. I would push him out to band practice and he would fight leaving because he didn’t want to leave me to be the brunt of her rage.
She would start a fight over anything and keep harping no matter how much I tried to defuse her until eventually she would hall off and hit me. Then, and only then, would she storm out and go to the boyfriends to only call me from his place and still blame me for her then arguing with him. I was always the problem to her. At the end of the night D would be the one to wipe my tears or cuddle away the day.
My close friends saw this and would help me constantly clean or pick up anything she needed to cater to her whims. We were all on eggshells constantly when she was around so when she wasn’t we thanked our lucky stars that she was gone with her boyfriend.
Rob, her boyfriend, was a nice guy with a huge bank roll. He owned a large company that sold meat to every steakhouse in the country. He was younger than her but mentally way older than her. Him and I got along when she brought him around. She wouldn’t leave us alone together much but he was definitely more relaxed as a person. I never understood how he stayed with her for so long but I figured she put on the show while he was there like she did with most people. Guess that’s why she never left me alone much with him, I might blow her cover. At one point they were getting serious and his family invited my mother and I over for dinner. Patti accepted the invite but told them I wouldn’t be attending. When she told me about the situation I was interested as to why she declined for me and asked her. I was interested in getting to know them since their son seemed so nice. Patti rebutted that she wasn’t going to bring me into their world only to introduce me as the degenerate daughter and huge disappointment that I was to her since already having an abortion and having to switch schools because I was barely making it through highschool. Not going to lie, when she said those exact words it was like a smack to the face. Only thing I could say in return was how it was a good thing I was turning 18 soon so that she could lie and tell them all that I died in a car accident so that she would never have to deal with me again. Patti actually looked shocked when I said those words, but I knew it was more the sting of the truth that she didn’t really care and I saw it now more than ever.
It was a merry-go-round all the time … I never knew what person I would get with my mother. It all balanced on her income, even though I had nothing to do with that and constantly tried to eliminate any cost I could. I shopped for my own groceries and clothes already at this point, paid my own gas, registered my own car that my grandfather had left me, paid my way at school and still when she needed anything I tried to accommodate. I was her doormat and excuse for any shortcomings if I wasn’t her poster child and her Trophy daughter when I was recognized for anything good by anyone around her.
This is why I chose my friends over my family any day of the week. Not to say they were perfect either, but they were definitely more humane and less toxic to me in the long run.
I was usually paying for not only myself but my friends. I worked and any money I had went to everyone around me. If a friend got arrested, I was the one to bail them out. If someone needed food I bought it. If my car needed new tires, I paid for it.
I was bouncing all over life and working to pay for it all. So when prom came I paid for everything for that too. I got the hotel room for after, the dress, the tickets and paid for the dinner. All D had to do was show up. That night was a blast. I looked at it as a fresh start into freedom. I looked forward to the next chapter and all I had to wait on was turning 18.
When it came to school , during the year I did what I had to and left only to live my life outside of school. When graduation came the only thing they wanted to do was keep me ” paying ” for another semester. They didn’t know the arrangement and did not want to give me my actual diploma. Even though I took 1/2 credit in night school. They refused to check many times and I went back and forth with the offices of both schools, to no avail. I saw this was all a money ploy. So I played the system in the office telling them I would do summer school if I walked the stage with my class.
I walked the stage, but I never got the actual diploma in hand. All due to that ½ a credit that they wouldn’t check on. But I wasn’t about to let that stop me.. I was ready for my freedom from all of this play. I already knew what I needed to know about that system and I was ready to have it help me shape the next few years…
The day of my graduation, Patti and my grandmother came with D to Take the pictures and have the picture perfect moment. D and I secretly would give each other looks in the ride there. Once there I almost came out of my skin. The lifeguard Chris was there, his mother was one of the teachers at the school and his brother was in my graduating class. Instantly I was on edge. I hated all of this fake persona and niceties, D could feel it. It wasn’t until after I had walked the stage and we were leaving when D finally asked me about my tension. As much as I could have lied, I refused to. He was the one person that no matter what, deserved true honesty. I was so sick of trying to bite my tongue with that whole world that in that moment of graduation I vowed to myself that I would never again lie for anyone else. I didn’t want that life of deceit. I wanted raw truth no matter how uncomfortable. It was time to start this next walk of being the raw honest me.
Little did I know it was all about to crumble and all my plans were about to get thrown out the window completely.
After prom and graduation not even a week passed when D broke up with me. I was completely blind sided. It hurt like hell but I also wasn’t going to let this stop my new chapter. I went to the warehouse to try to talk to him, only to find a new girl there that I never met clinging to him. It was one of the guy’s sister-in-laws and she had been trying to move in on him in the shadows. Even the rest of the band was blindsided.
The next week I was turning 18 and I had already planned with Billy to take over his townhouse since they were moving. The morning I was turning 18 I packed everything up, called my friends and broke the news to Mom that I was moving. The morning I turned 18 I had my bags packed and ready to go. Patti threw a fit and made me go through every bag to make sure I wasn’t taking a single thing she ever bought me. I wasn’t. I had bought all my own things, and set everything in motion in secret because I was going to not only surprise D, but her so I could rip off the band-aid and we would start our life together.
Only now I was starting it with friends. It just so happened that the same day I was moving one of the guys Todd, from another band tried to call for D and didn’t know what happened so when I broke the news he immediately offered to help me move.
That night was one of the happiest nights of my life. I spent the night with my friends that decided to move in with me. Todd helped me move in and we sat laughing at the freedom and new place.
Todd convinced me to come to a show a few days later.. I didn’t want to go. I was going to just disappear from that scene.. I didn’t want the reminder or the constant chance of dealing with either D or his new girl Angie. So when I went to that show it was because Todd had convinced me that I had just as much right as anyone and I was still family to them. When I walked in I was already in the mindset that I would ignore D and Angie, that was until I saw her at the bar wearing My Tether… There on her neck was the necklace that Jess had given me… The rage inside wanted me to rip it off her and punch her in the face, but the calm side reminded me that she didn’t know what that necklace meant to me… But D did! I immediately walked up to him and told him to get it off her. He noticed and profusely apologized while making her take it off. Angie didn’t like me already, despite knowing nothing about me, and now she definitely wasn’t going to like me.. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care about any of them.. Only that teather.
In our break up I hadn’t realized he had it on. I would let him wear it from time to time since he was the reason Jess had given it to me. He explained that he didn’t know she had put it on and apologized until I had it in my hand and I walked away. The whole time Angie complained and was trying to refuse taking it off.
His new girlfriend definitely didn’t know me or like me after that… She made it her mission to talk about me to anyone who would listen. Most ignored her instead of shedding light to the situation, so I couldn’t blame her for her ignorance. But those that knew, started to isolate them from everything. For the next 2 months it was drama at every turn and I wanted nothing to do with it.. I started hanging with the other bands because they would call me and invite me along instead of D’s crew. D had someone close that was like a sister, Kel, and even she was constantly hanging with me at this point because she couldn’t stand Angie. After a big weekend of partying, D showed up on my doorstep. I tried giving him his clothes he left before,I had moved his stuff with mine when I left. I had 4 large garbage bags and he wouldn’t take all of them. He was there to make a move. He stood there in my room saying how much he missed me and he tried to move closer to me. I refused, and it took everything in me. I immediately moved myself out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where my roommate Will was sitting just to be sure I wouldn’t cave in to him. My roommate Will even watched as I had to stop myself from shaking after he left. It took everything inside me to walk away. I sobbed in private at the end of that night.
D chose to leave me for Angie, so now he was to figure out what he wanted, I wouldn’t be the back and forth for anyone. Kel decided we needed to escape to the other side of the state for a show that weekend so we drove to Naples to watch some friends play. While I had been with D, we had never gone together when his band played in Naples, but I heard all about the bands there and their girlfriends. Occasionally we would get conversations on the phone so it was nice to finally put faces to names. It was there that one of the girlfriends without knowing who I was, came up to Kel wanting to know all about D’s new girl because she had not made a good first impression. She seethed about how rude and nasty she was when talking about D’s ex and she now genuinely wanted to meet me after dealing with her. When Kel and I smiled and introduced me officially, she was flabbergasted. Angie had vented to them about how supposedly horrid I was, I could only assume about the necklace incident since otherwise we had no interactions prior. She had called me a slew of names and painted a picture of me to make herself look better obviously. I didn’t care. She didn’t know me enough to really talk about me so I laughed it off with Kel and my new found friend. By the end of the weekend my new Naples friends knew everything Angie had said about me was a lie, by not only my actions but also everyone that was with me backing up my character.
A week later I went to a show in Lauderdale where Angie and D were also in the crowd. Kel and I joked about how this woman was being childish, even though I found out she was 8 years older than me. She was constantly staring at me and trying to make me uncomfortable in a place where I was wholeheartedly welcomed by everyone else. Angie was still trying to bad mouth me to anyone who would listen, and that circle was small. Finally Angie decided to come at me. That night I lost my cool completely and let it get to me much more than I should have. If it wasn’t for the guys I probably would’ve ended in jail, or hiding a body in the everglades. {let’s be honest ,dirt was free and the everglades were close} She came out talking shit in front of everyone and I lunged.. only to be caught mid air by Enoch. One of the band guys who was enormously tall and built. I went completely ferrell.. All while the guys shoved me into a car and held me down kicking and screaming while they sped off. That night was the start to the floodgates of change that was to come.
I was taken to a friend’s place and told to let my rage out there.. They were all Tai Chi fighters that trained together and I would occasionally work out with them so they knew my strength.. That was the night I trashed my buddies’ trailer. He was moving out that night and it was going to the dump so no big loss for him, but they let me have my way. After about 45 minutes of things being broken and thrown they gave me alcohol as well as some muscle relaxers and lots of both. I was driven home and then the roommates got to see and hear about the commotion because my entrance home was enough to warrant their concern. It was not everyday I was carried into my room while drunk and bitching. Just seeing me drunk was like finding a unicorn.
The next morning I woke up with a raging headache and Angie’s name and number on my counter…I prayed that she wasn’t dumb enough to try to call my house. There was no way I would dial that number without knowing how her number and name ended up on my counter.
That conversation waited until I was informed that she called early that morning wanting to clear the air between us.
She tried to mull it all over and I honestly didn’t care as long as she shut her mouth. I didn’t like her, not because she was the new girl but because of how she knew nothing and decided to bad mouth me. She could have D.. I would not fight for someone who left. There’s no point.. I don’t fight for something that obviously doesn’t want to be mine. Good riddance. It irritated me more that here she was almost 8 years older than me and she was the one talking shit without even questioning why. It showed me her ignorance and I hated misconceptions. We agreed to be civil.. I agreed to call off everyone’s backlash if she would shut her mouth. Since she talked too much to so many, she and D had gotten kicked out of and blocked from parties, even bars at this point. It paid to be good to good people. Karma was something I didn’t have to give.. life would do it for me. But I agreed to call the dogs off and let them be. I just wanted to live my life and be left alone.
While in my new place my mother reached out and wanted to have lunch one day. Since I had to get my car serviced I figured while they did the work we could go to lunch. I genuinely wanted to see if now that I was no longer under her roof if she would start being more of a caring mother.
I wasn’t even done signing the papers at the mechanics desk, when my mother noticed a small little tip of a tattoo I had recently gotten on my back, peeking out of my dress. The cat was out of the bag and she was trying so hard to play it off like she didn’t care but I could see she was losing her mind internally. After the inquisition, she played nice so we went and ate and she returned me back to the mechanic. I knew the conversation wasn’t going to end there. I dodged one Psycho to incur another one.
The next day when she called me to stop by her salon she was working at, I knew she was about to make a scene. Patti had told the girls she worked with about my tattoo, so now they obviously all wanted to see what I had gotten. I took whoever wanted to see into the bathroom to keep it private so that I wasn’t stripping in the middle of the salon. Most were intrigued with a few questions but you could tell no one really cared beyond basic interests. Once all the questions were done my mother walked me to the parking lot and I knew hell was about to break loose. She let it start to fly and instantly I knew this was all an orchestrated trap. Accusing me of parading around the shop and showing everyone while calling me a slew of names. The minute she went to hit me, that was the last straw. I shielded myself and verbally came back at her letting her know she would never again be able to abuse me because I was now no longer under her rule and this was now my life. She fumed and at that minute I never felt so free. When she rebutted that she was disowning me I didn’t even flinch. I knew that was coming and it was something that only sealed my freedom further. I left that day completely lighter mentally. I reveled in the thought of no longer having to deal with the abuse.
I was completely free in my mind… Finally, Free.
Patti would have to deal with her karma in explaining why I wasn’t there or around anymore and I didn’t have to worry about the weight of her expectations.
Karma was giving me a beacon of light to this new freedom and I couldn’t have been happier.
It was karma that saved my ass not even a week later.
Enter stage left my biological Dad’s bullshit…… Fucking shit.
{Get ready cause here comes the rapids.}
All while I was defending myself from the drama of D, and reveling in the beauty of my new found freedom and enjoying every minute not dealing with the scrutiny, Billy had been doing his drug deals and screwing over some very important people without me knowing.
I was just waking up from a long night only a few weeks later when my roommate was knocked over and pushed aside by one of the girls from the clubs pushing her way into my townhouse. I didn’t even know she knew where I lived. I barely knew her myself but at one point I had helped her with the club and getting her connected.
I was on the phone with D’s sister Kel when she came barreling into my room in a frenzy. Kel could hear the panic so I hung up to figure out what was happening.
The woman frantically explained that I needed to leave and not let anyone know where I was or who I was with because my life was in serious danger. I wasn’t to touch my car because she wasn’t sure if it was safe. I was beside myself. She was frantic explaining how my dad screwed some Columbians and Hells Angels over and she heard they were coming for me, just to send the message to him.
At first I didn’t believe her..I asked her why she was even there and she explained that she knew how I was always good to everyone and had helped her so she didn’t want me to be caught in the crossfires.
I still was skeptical with everything so I told her I would take care of it all and got her out of the house. It was time to investigate. My roommate was flustered and we had 2 others in the house as roommates. They came home while I was making calls and overheard the story. One of my roommates Brina confirmed they saw someone fucking around with my car in the middle of the night. Brina had written it off as someone just dropping their keys or whatever in the parking lot. Now the clock was ticking. I finally got in touch with Billy who confirmed that it would be smart for me to get out of town and since it was his fault he was going to have me come to California where he was ASAP.
I had to call a friend in the police force(I had made a few in my excursions) to check my car and was instantly glad I did. Yeah I was told to get outta dodge.. So after just a few more calls the roommates were all told to scatter for a few days. After places were arranged for everyone, I was given a ride to my grandmother’s where I would await my next step.
The wig was bought, the outfit picked, the back story planned. I was to take a large sum of money and hop a plane to the other side of the country.. All I had to do was get through the airport.
And in an instant, my freedom was completely dissolved. The cage was opened just to be slammed in my face.
That night my townhouse was broken into.
All my caller IDs were stolen and any personal phone books as well as a few pictures. My alarm company notified my grandmother since she was on the emergency list.
I thanked the stars my roommates weren’t in the line of fire. It was bad enough I was in this, I didn’t want them getting hurt in the midst of everything as well.
Within 24 hours I was packed and ready to go. That morning I was off to the airport without a thought.
I made it through the security and was at the bar waiting for my plane (with my fake ID).
Sitting there at the bar was a long party friend Amy. I looked over and wondered if she recognized me.. She looked right at me and smiled but didn’t register that it was me. Perfect.. It wasn’t until I heard her phone go and her conversation that I instantly had to talk to her. She got the call through the grapevine that I was on the run. She was now panicking for me. I had to tell her. So I moved closer and once she was off the phone that’s when I made my move. All I said was “Amy I’m ok, but don’t let anyone know you saw me.” She looked up and it clicked.. she wanted to jump but instantly looked around and in a low voice said.“Oh My God, I didn’t even recognize you, what the hell is going on?!” Once I informed her of the basics of the situation she looked at me and confirmed something I knew in the back of my mind. She had just been through security and was flagged to be searched and all her bags searched. You see Amy looked almost EXACTLY like me. She was 2 inches taller but blonde and tan and we constantly would get mistaken for each other, hence how we first met and how we became friends. I was being flagged all around. Great.. Like it wasn’t bad enough that growing up every cop on the force watched for my family, now I had to look out for any flying too. Granted I became known as the good seed in my family with the locals, they pretty much left me alone. Now I was on the serious watch list..
Life as I knew it was completely changing second by second. Now I wished for that basic drama from D and Angie.. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy and I wasn’t even in the heart of it all, I was just a causality in this bullshit and now all I wanted was to survive this flight to the other side of the country so I could kill Billy for putting me in this position.
I gave Amy a hand squeeze because I didn’t want to draw attention and assured her I was going to get to the bottom of this. She and I were off to different places and I wished her well and reminded her to tell no one that she had seen me.
I boarded that flight with 45 thousand dollars in my back pack with the lie that it was tuition to college, my teddy bear that D had given me years before, and clothes that weren’t what I would wear unless my life depended on it, and right now it did. My teather wrapped around my wrist and my sanity was fleeting, I drank most of the flight. Awaiting the touch down into the void that was about to become my life.
That flight was a blur. I kept looking around occasionally just to make sure no one was watching. The wig itched and I felt like this lie would be snuffed out by anyone really paying attention.But no one was really paying attention. This was it, I would be looking over my shoulder until everything was done. I vowed to myself that I wasn’t going to let this go longer than needed.
When I landed my father greeted me at the pick up. We went driving through Los Angeles. I was so distracted by the city itself and the mountains but I kept looking in the rear view just as he was while he went over if I noticed anyone following me during the airport ordeal. He eventually pulled into a parking lot and we exited the car and walked into a bar with a restaurant attached. He led me up the backstairs into the restaurant and once we were seated and I had his full attention l started in on him.
He tried to apologize for me being put in the middle, then he tried to mull it over like this was just another day. I told him about Amy in the airport. That was when I gave him the breakdown. I told him that moment that I wanted my life back and as I understood that he screwed up I was going to give him 1 year to get it all cleared up so that I could go on with my life. I would give him time. I knew it would not be done overnight but if this was to be my hell, I would try to make my intentions known now.
He agreed and then he clarified with me that I was going to be staying close to him and being given a body guard.
After lunch we went to the hotel that was to be my temporary home. This was not how I wanted to travel after highschool, but this was how I ended up in California. So many times I dreamed of going to LA or San Diego for sun, fun and surf. Here I was in Los Angeles, the city of lost angels, feeling like a completely lost angel… Oh the irony.
Welcome to the Shit Show 