Chapter 5

 The Darkest of times

I had gone to the movie and after the movie I had met a girl named Katie while she chatted with friends at a coffee shop. Once I got back to the townhouse Lisa was in the kitchen with a Jack and Coke waiting for me.

She had heard the message.

Now it was time to face the hurt. She handed me the drink and a burner to call Kelly. The minute Kelly heard my voice she started to yell at me. “Where were you?! Why didn’t you pick up!” Kelly proceeded to tell me how D had gotten belligerently drunk the whole night before and showed up at her house begging to find me. Crying that he needed me. It was only because of this she had dialed the number and given him the phone. 

Angie was pregnant and it was a shotgun wedding. She was 5 months along and he was doing it out of duty.

Because I didn’t answer, he walked the aisle and they were now married. I’m the end that was the whole reason I walked out the door. I knew this was his decision to make and I knew without me what he would do. He proved me right.

I cried, not because I didn’t pick up the phone to stop it. I cried because he wasn’t strong enough to admit that wasn’t what he wanted. That it took him being drunk to break down and reach out. Kelly understood where I came from but she also knew what everyone already knew. That if really given the chance he wouldn’t be with her.

My heart sank in my chest and I could feel his sadness from there.

It consumed me for the next week. All I could think about was If things had worked out differently. What if I wasn’t on the run, what if I had stayed there and what if I didn’t turn him away that day at the townhouse. “What if “was all that ran through my mind. It was driving me crazy. I did love him and I would’ve spent my whole life loving him if he hadn’t walked away. But he did and that was a statement that kept coming back to me. He did leave me, he stood up for her with everyone, he even came to me to get me to stand up for them to everyone in town.  He didn’t want me and that was what hit home the hardest. No matter what he said to me,no matter how much he would keep coming to me, she was still the one in his arms because it was easier for him. At that realization I felt the loneliest I ever had at that point. Here I was fighting for just the chance at a life to be normal and there he was running from himself and choosing to sacrifice himself for everyone else’s ideals.

I was stuck in a city with only one person who was paid to take me in and had no one. The one person that I was comfortable with in the whole situation was still an employee technically and he was gone. I couldn’t call friends, I couldn’t just get a job to take my mind off things. I was waiting and stuck in neutral. I would sit on the cliffs there in Encinitas and just stare at the ocean. Sometimes hours would pass and all I would do was look out into the horizon. I would draw sketches of the cliffs, as if they weren’t already burned into my mind. I would watch as the tide came in and the dolphins played out in the surf. I would watch surfers get ready up in the lot and travel down the cliffs there to catch a set or two. Ah, surfing. I missed it. I missed sitting on a board in the middle of the ocean. Part of me wanted to do it again, the other part was afraid that if I went under I wouldn’t even try to come up. Another side of me longed for the simplistic thinking to just be able to enjoy it all again and ignore the reality of my life and where it was now.

I was sitting in the car and I had gotten so low that all I could think about was just putting the car into drive and driving off that cliff. I thought about it so much that I started to convince myself it would be quicker and easier if I just did it. One day while sitting on that cliff in the car, at the exact moment when I reached for the shifter, I heard D’s voice clear as a bell. “Don’t you dare, don’t leave me alone!”  I swear it was so loud it was like he was next to me in the car. I froze. I needed to change direction, whatever direction would get me away from this cliff…from this part in life. So I went to a pet store down the road. That’s where I got patches, my pet rat. I needed something to give me a purpose.  At least I could hide her and take her with me.. She was small enough to fit in my sleeve. She was sweet and I could tell she was just happy to not be in the cage anymore. She never even tried to bite me. She became my new confidant.

Now I had something to be responsible for that would keep me going,I needed some kind of accountability to keep me going. Then I realized I needed a friend that wasn’t on Billy’s payroll. I needed a safe place for myself, even if it was a safe person. I decided to call the girl Kelly that I met at the coffee shop. We decided to go and visit Mexico for the night in Tijuana.

Kelly was great, she was light and airy in conversation and I didn’t have to go deep into life.. we would talk about me being new to town and all the places I didn’t know. We talked about things she really wanted to do or try. I could sense she was always in her box too somehow. There was a bond that was unspoken. We decided to do everything together since neither of us had someone to really do those things with. We both found a sense of freedom. We never worried about all the bullshit.. we just supported each of our dreams.. If she wanted to try something or go do something, we did.. If I mentioned a place or thing, she would go with me. It was a mutual exploring buddy.

We would go drinking in Tijuana and pick up strays (the service guys) from time to time. We went and got pierced and tattooed together, giggling like children and laughing from the adrenaline the whole time.

Lisa would always want basic reports of where I was going and would always just treat it like I was a roommate but she knew this was keeping me occupied and happy so she never bitched. As long as I came home and was there by morning after going out for the night, she was fine.

Billy showed up for Christmas Eve. That was interesting to say the least. He tried to come in and play Dad for a night. He built a shelf Lisa had gotten herself but not put together yet. I watched as he put half of it together backwards. We did the whole dinner thing together. The tree and presents were basic needs like socks and some shirts.  He told me it would still be a while and that he was going to be running around some more until after new years and he wouldn’t see me until after the new year. Lisa was the part time girlfriend and I could tell she was happy with that. So it was back to just trying to kill time. Lisa was always relaxed and patient about it all. She was a chef and worked days so she would be gone most of the day but come dinner time I could always depend on her making an amazing dinner and drinking a jack and coke. She didn’t care that I was underage, she would always pour me a drink as well. She figured I was mentally old enough that I should be able to do whatever I wanted. She was one of the rare few that understood me mentally.

After New Year’s Joe came back. He came to pick me up and bring me back to LA.  He seemed different though. Not as light with me completely but still there was a slight change. I figured it was just him missing his family and friends like I did.

When we got back to LA we were hotel hoping again. I kept touch with Kelly in San Diego from time to time and now that I had patches it helped me keep focus. I would put her in my hoodie and go out and about. Billy had brought another girl around in LA that was a real dumb blonde. Thankfully I only had to meet her once and really hang out but it was mentally numbing. I couldn’t understand how Billy could even be attracted to these bimbo’s but then again it helped him get away with whatever he wanted. I hated when any of them would look at me like I was a child. Mentally I was years past them in many ways, it was only physically that showed my age. Most of them couldn’t even carry a full conversation without giving at least one blank stare showing they had no idea what we were talking about. I was happy when he found one that could at least keep up mentally, only to have them be a fleeting  fancy.

It was almost spring when Billy told me he needed me to go out of town because the heat was in town and he needed me gone. Scrotum and Joe were to take me to New York. Off on a plane we went. This time I had my own room and the boys had their own. I would constantly be carted off to places . Always waiting on whoever but Joe was still there smiling from time to time with me. We went fishing in Montauk Bay, had dinner in the city, and had a few new people around us. I could feel the pull away… It was in one of the moments when the guys weren’t looking that I decided maybe I needed to do coke to numb my soul since I could feel all the sorrow creeping up. Not gonna lie, I was kind of hoping I would do it and it would kill me so that I wouldn’t have to feel anymore. I swiped a baggie from scrotum’s stash and hit my bathroom and layed out a rail. Once it hit the back of my throat I was already liking the drip. Joe came in about 20 minutes later and I was wanting to have fun. I was in complete rush mode. He noticed. We had sex and once we were done and laying in the bed he asked me. I told him about the baggie and that I just wanted to have fun. Joe and scrotum would do coke from time to time but always kept it out of sight of me, so he didn’t like that I stole a small bag, but he understood. He made me promise to just ask when I wanted it. So now it was a “ask and you shall receive” kind of arrangement. After about a week in New York, it was finally time to go back to LA. I was packing my suitcase when there was a knock at the door. I looked through the peephole to see an older Mexican man holding a bag that looked like lunch. I didn’t order anything. I asked through the door who it was and he gave me his name and said that Billy sent him and I was to take something back to Billy in LA. Yeah that didn’t scream freak out. I told him to hold on a second while I confirmed. I called Joe instantly and he confirmed that we were supposed to meet with a guy but he didn’t know when. Joe said he would be right over and to let him in. Once I let him in he introduced himself again formally and shook my hand. He said he couldn’t stay long but that I was to take what he had and bring it to Billy. He handed me a large paper bag that felt very heavy and excused himself just as Joe was coming in. Joe shook his hand and said thank you and the guy disappeared. I was puzzled. We opened the bag to find thousands of dollars in stacks, more money than I had ever seen. I freaked out. How was I supposed to bring this casually back to Billy through the airports. That’s when Joe showed me how to hide it almost in plane sight. He brought in his suitcase also since I only had a small square rolling suitcase. We layed out the money on Black t-shirts and rolled the shirt over it and then lined the suitcases. That took most of it, but there was still so much more. We both looked at eachother puzzled with the rest of it. That’s when I came up with a plan. But I needed pantyhose. Joe called scrotum and sent him to the store. Once scrotum got back to the room and saw the conundrum, he was just as puzzled. I put the pantyhose on, stuffed as many stacks as I could in the belly and then opened a few stacks to smooth it over. Then I put on some overalls with a shirt , looked in the mirror ,I was preggo. The guys stood there in shock and then started to laugh. They couldn’t get over how perfectly normal and legit it looked.

That was the most uncomfortable walk and plane ride ever. The money itched and maybe it was only my own mind but I swear I could hear it crinkle from time to time. It didn’t help that the plane was also delayed on the runway for an hour.

When I finally got it off me at the hotel I was sweating and pissed. I let Billy have it. Joe didn’t blame me. We were completely side swiped at the last second and it was a lot of money and he didn’t like me being used like that.

I reamed Billy a whole new asshole. He swore it would never happen again and it was a last second decision.

After that I told Joe I needed a line. He obliged and got us a bag and we went off to the room.

 (Thoughts sang in my head over and over)

Give me a line and make it long, I want to hear my dying song……

I did a big rail and we drank. Whenever I could I was going for another one… I wanted out of this hell hole, and I wanted out now. I could tell Joe was just along for the ride watching me for the night. I was in no place in particular in my head but I was wanting to dive into the abyss. It was about 2 bottles later and probably about 2 eight balls that the night/morning ended. The next morning/afternoon realistically when I got up out of the bed naked and went to look for another line that’s when Joe broke his silence. Staring at me from the bed wrapped in the sheets he sat up and kept watching.

He saw me start to cut out a line. “I know what you’re doing,” he said . I looked at him joking and replied, “Oh Yeah,What?” That’s when he called my bluff. “I saw the look in your eyes yesterday, your trying to kill yourself with it” he flung the sheets off and came over to me. Grabbing me and pulling me close. All I could think was, “So what if I am, you’re only here for the pay”… But I said nothing.

He confided in me that he was there once and he knew the look. The look of “fuck this world I want off this ride.” I couldn’t hold it back, I broke down. I started screaming at him, so what if I wanted off,I was just a job in reality for him and I wasn’t anything more than a pawn to Billy. He grabbed me and held on to me while I sobbed, beating on his chest to let me go. He pulled me to the couch and held my hands staring at me. It was then that he made me a deal. He promised me I wasn’t just a job and he wouldn’t ever treat me as such and then told me that he didn’t ever want me to do coke like that. He wanted to show me how to just enjoy the time we were there and he made me promise to him that I would just follow his lead and he would get me out of it all but I would have to not go off the deep end.

He would regulate me with the partying if I would help regulate him to keep it real.

As I looked into his eyes I could tell he was pleading for me to just stay. He wiped my tears and stayed there frozen until I agreed.

Joe was hard to say no to. He had this mesmerizing energy about him that just sucked you in. Even though I knew he was sometimes so far away mentally one look was all it took and it was like we were enveloped in each other.

We spent the rest of the day and evening locked in the room watching TV and cuddling. He answered any call we got but made it clear that night that he wasn’t leaving my side until I was ready.

Most of the weeks just were a blur. It was a constant repeat of waking up in a hotel, occasionally doing an errand and usually back to the room.. Lots of take out or late night calls to pink dot for delivery. I started playing darts to pass time.. I’d find any prono mags and pin up the centerfold to a wall and go to town. It was like a weird version of groundhogs day.  At some point Billy brought us to Eddie’s place. Eddie’s house was in West Hollywood and it was huge. When you walked in the door it was like walking into a 70’s retro House. The living room had brown shag carpet with a projection TV and a desk overlooking the livingroom that looked like a perfect mob coke desk. It was gold with 2 lions for the legs and a huge mirror for the table top. The back yard had a pool, there was a mini gym, large kitchen and upstairs was 3 bedrooms and a pepto bismol pink bathroom that was completely retro. Eddie was this 5’4″little old man that wore black slacks and a wife beater with suspenders and shiny dress shoes everyday. He was an old hairdresser that loved Frank Sinatra with his cutty sark whiskey and was a high energy personality. We were to move into Eddie’s and help him do some remodeling of his backyard.

Finally I had something to do. 

Joe and I shared the room in the front of the house upstairs. Every day we would wake up and get to work. Pulling the plants in the planter, we redid the concrete around the pool. Eddie would make us food and tell us stories. He was always a great host. He realized how Joe and I were always watching eachother and revolved around each other. When Joe had to go do errands Eddie always would come talk to me. He would do lines with me from time to time and he would try to keep me busy. I guess my soul screamed lost. It was around the time that we moved into Eddie’s that my nightmares got worse. I was trying to keep composure but kept latching to Joe for my sanity. I would wake up in a sweat some nights, others I would be woken up by Joe trying to console me because I would talk, scream out and cry in my sleep. He became my emotional Tether. Eddie would occupy me whenever Joe had to go somewhere… It was like I was constantly being babysat. 

Around this time Billy started doing other business in LA and Rick James, the singer, had just gotten out of jail.

Billy informed us that he was going to be paying for Rick’s revival album and we were going to be helping him get on his feet . I took this as a money laundering investment. Joe, scrotum and I were to help paint his new house while they got the studio time set up. One night he called a meeting and told Joe to drop me at the hotel room with Rick while they had a meeting to discuss the process. Joe didn’t like it, he kept telling me the whole way to the hotel how I needed to be careful and keep my distance. He informed me about Rick’s past. Rick was known for being a date rapist and that was part of his jail time history. He told me he would try to come back for me as soon as he could but that I needed to keep sharp. Billy told me he had instructions to not touch me but I didn’t trust that.

Going to Rick’s room just screamed creepy. When we got there he opened the door in a robe with a cocktail in hand. He introduced himself and invited us in. Joe stayed for a minute and then had to excuse himself because Billy was already blowing up his phone.

Once Joe was gone Rick settled into the couch and then relaxed into conversation but I stayed seated at the breakfast bar.

Some may have looked up to this man but at this moment all I saw was a seedy snake trying to slither his way into me being comfortable with him.

He pulled out a crack pipe and started to smoke, offering me some and trying to get me to move closer. If that wasn’t creepy enough then he turned on the TV to porn.

The 2 hours in that hotel room were the longest ever. He kept trying to get me to get close, he constantly would try to get me to let my guard down. I knew better and I was more disgusted with this man by the end of those 2 hours than I ever thought any human could ever make me. Once Joe finally came knocking I couldn’t get out  of that room fast enough. You could almost see the disappointment on Rick’s face when I left. It was at that moment that I knew my father set this whole thing up and tried to feed me to this rapist. It disgusted me. Joe was shaking when we left the room and would not let go of my hand. Once we got to the truck he hugged me tight and I could feel that he was genuinely trying to let his own hate go.

We went to the bar after that and tried to drink away the night. He always distracted me after there was hell. He would try to instantly make light of the situation and wipe it away.

The next month we were around Rick and his new wife, who I later found out was a date rape that got pregnant and had the baby while he was in jail. I couldn’t fathom her thinking, but there she was riding that train.

Everyday we did errands and work whether it be painting or building something and every evening we drank and hung out with Eddie. My nightmares were getting worse. Some nights I would wake up no longer in bed. I would be under the bed or in the closet when I would wake up crying and I could hear Joe frantically searching for me. Sometimes it was an easy find, other times he would be in a panic by the time he found me.It was taking a toll on both of us.

He would try to take me away from the city whenever he could, a long ride down the PCH on the motorcycles, day at the beach for lunch. I loved riding solo but I enjoyed being his backpack more. Anything to distract me. We drank mostly. A Lot of drinking. Days where he was called away I would go for long walks or try to distract myself with drawing or writing poems. Ashes my rat filled my time until she finally passed one day. I knew it was inevitable but at the same point I mourned her loss and really preferred the thought that at least she was free of this hell.

At one point Rick was finally in the studio and we were called there to help out. I met his band and most of the guys were pretty nice. I connected more with his bassist Allen. He had a clean energy about him and he seemed to always deflect me from having to be near Rick. I even asked him once why he still worked with him since I could see he didn’t approve of the man Rick was, his answer saddened me but made me understand. It was always about the money in the long run.  Allen pulled me aside when he could and would teach me the bass. Joe didn’t mind leaving me when he had to as long as Allen was there.

Billy was getting more brazen with his living. He was now partying and going out more. He had started dating this girl V who you could tell was more in it for the fun and money.

Scrotum and Joe were always by my side. Scrotum was hanging around more and drinking with us more. We were like a tripod. Joe and I would play the wing man to scrotum and try to find him a girl to pull into our click. But at the end of the night it was always Joe and I. Some nights the nightmares interrupted our sleep and other nights I was content in his arms.

It was also around this time that Billy started to notice being followed more.. Paranoia started to kick in with the boys and they clung to me more and were always aware of any constant faces. The minute they became uneasy we switched bars or patterns.

It was 3am when I was woken out of a dead sleep by Joe telling me we had to pack our things and leave Eddie’s and do it quickly. I didn’t ask while I packed, I could see the frantic worry in his eyes. I packed everything as quickly as I could and even Eddie was helping us to get everything together so I knew it had to be bad.

Eddie hugged me and wished us safe travels. I wish I could’ve hugged him longer, he was an amazing spirit. 

It wasn’t until we were driving out of the city when Joe told me what was going on.

Billy had been hit by an unmarked car while on his motorcycle in a hit and run and was in bad shape as far as he was told. He was being carried off to the emergency room and it didn’t look good.

There was a small voice inside me that whispered “This could be your escape”