Chapter 6

In Hiding

The thought that Billy had been run over hit me. Part of me was thinking this was the moment I got my life back, the other part was panicked to think what did they know and were they after me next.
Joe wasn’t sure if he had survived. Scrotum was with Billy when it happened and had called Joe the minute it all went down to make sure I was safe. We were to leave for a safe house and he would keep us posted.
That drive was so long and quiet. Joe held on to my hand like it was his last connection to sanity, or he was holding on to mine for dear life.
We drove for hours through the desert. All I remember was Joe saying over and over that no matter what he was going to figure it all out. All I could do was stare out that window as the desert passed by. Staring into the nothingness and feeling only numb.
It was a few hours after sunrise when we pulled up to a house in the middle of Las Vegas. I don’t even remember how we got in. I just remember grabbing my bags and going inside to a house completely empty of furniture. It was huge. And all I could do was stand in the middle of the den holding my bags and just stare into nothing. Joe came up and grabbed my bags from me only to drop them at our feet. He hugged me firmly and lifted me up so that I wrapped my legs around him as he carried me to the counter and set me down. He pulled away from me just enough to stare into my eyes and kiss me.
There in the silence we just stood and embraced. It was silence, just silence but it was calm. In the chaos there in the kitchen was just a quiet calm.  He grabbed my hand and led me upstairs to find a room to claim as our own. We didn’t pick the biggest, it was a smaller room, but it was cozy. There on the carpeted floor we laid down and fell asleep in eachothers arms. It was a peaceful sleep even though we had no pillow or blanket.. There was a complete stillness in that room that morning. It was peaceful.
The world around me, even my old life in Florida, wasn’t even a blip in my mind at that moment.

When scrotum finally called we had already gotten up and gone out for food like this was just another normal day. No talk of the situation, just relaxed movement. When he told us that Billy had survived but was in ICU and had needed surgery and was going to need more so we were going to need to stay put for a while and distract ourselves until he could come in the next few days we both didn’t know whether to be happy or sad.

We decided this was going to be our time to enjoy what we could. We didn’t care about furniture, all we needed was each other at that moment. First thing first, we went shopping. We got food and drinks and took the time to goof around in the isles playing like children with the random things we found. We got to the house and unpacked. The energy was light even with all the uncertainty, but we were light as could be. In a new city, new house, no pending doom. It felt great for once. We decided to explore the pool and hottub. We christened the hot tub and layed out beside the pool staring up at the night sky. The air was slightly cool but still warm. We could have sat there for hours.
This was a breath of fresh air and we were like a whole new couple. It felt like a fresh start.

It was about a week later when scrotum joined us. He instantly commented on the lack of furniture. We didn’t care, it was not a priority in any way. We actually enjoyed sitting on the floor eating like a picnic or on the counter. Scrotum decided we needed direction instead of just locking ourselves in the house and playing all day. He went right to work trying to make plans. It was about a week later that he brought us to a warehouse. When we walked in Joe lit up. It had a boat and a 71 stingray Corvette car and tons of tools. Scrotum said if we were going to be stuck here we were going to do work. Joe had been a mechanic in his life before this. I knew the basics, being the only girl around all the guys growing up, so now they decided they were going to teach me what they knew.

The days were filled with working on everything from engines to upholstery in the warehouse. The evenings we drank and filled the time with each other. Life started to feel normal.
Joe and I were always together and always smiling. My nightmares became less and there was a relaxed groove to normalcy. Scrotum’s younger brother came to visit and even worked in the shop with us when he visited. The warehouses next to us had other mechanics and we made friends. No one got the back story. We just made up a whole new life. One of the mechanics we were friends with would invite us for barbecues occasionally and Joe and I would go. It was like a normal life. We had double couple dates. We went to casinos and drank. We would take acid and go get lost in the day giggling like children. People that didn’t know us commented on how perfect we were together and how they could always see how we would orbit each other. If we slept over their place, they would comment how we were always touching even in our slumber.I would imagine that this was our life, working together as mechanics during the day, having friends and just enjoying life by night. It was the dream that kept me alive with hope to have that one day.
Weeks went by. Word finally came that Billy was recovering and wanted us back in LA.

The dark clouds started to roll back in.

Once back in LA it was back to taking orders again.. We were back at Eddie’s occasionally. It was bouncing all over again. I was sent back to Lisa again while they had to do work things.. I felt like a bouncing ball. Joe was getting aggravated by it but we looked forward to our time together.
Billy was literally keeping us bouncing. He introduced Ariel at one point. She was a dancer from Vegas that was his side piece to all the other girls. I liked Ariel. She was closer to my age and we could hang out and have fun. Scrotum liked her being there cause she and I would connect when Joe wasn’t there.

We started traveling more this time as well and now we were going all over. Back and forth to San Diego, Las Vegas, New York and even Colorado. Sometimes it was Joe, scrotum, Ariel and I and sometimes it was just scrotum and I.
Eddie’s was the occasional pit stop. Joe and I were always happy to see eachother but getting used to not being together constantly. One day he got a call from back home saying they needed him. At this point we were saying I love you and I was settled in that this was what my life was going to be for now.
Joe left and life continued. Ariel and I would see each other in passing and occasionally she would call me to do drinks. I would keep myself busy wherever I was now just accepting my fate in this life. It was almost 2 agonizing weeks before Joe came back. I was looking forward to it, counting down the days. I couldn’t wait to see him and surprise him with some things I had bought to surprise him. He had joked how I never wore summer dresses and was always in darker clothes so in his absence I had gone shopping.
The day he was to arrive I got dressed in the most colorful summer dress I had bought and waited patiently for him to arrive. I had gone and bought the most colorful summer dress possible despite my internal voice cringing at the barrage of colors.
Hours passed and I was starting to get impatient. I talked to scrotum and he told me how he had to have a meeting with Billy when he came back so he might be late. More time passed.. And I kept waiting.I say there second guessing the dress over and over while soothing myself over and reminding myself this was a surprise for him. I feel asleep waiting on him
It was the next morning when he finally arrived. I was upset it took so long but still happy he arrived. It was his reaction that made my heart sink. I had rushed down stairs and to the front door when I saw him pulling up into the driveway. He barely smiled and walked almost right past me into Eddie’s. He walked right into the living room and sat down. It was as if his puppy had died. My heart sank. I went to him to ask what was going on, I started to ramble about how I tried to surprise him with the dress and how I expected him the day before but no one would tell me when he was due to arrive. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said I looked beautiful and he loved me but he needed to talk to me.
In that moment my world shifted. He asked me not to interrupt because he needed to get out what needed to be said. I listened contently as he dove into his explanation.
He told me that the Christmas before while he was gone he had gone home and started seeing an old girlfriend of his, but once he was back that he pretty much put her on the back burner. He explained how they talked on the phone all the time. He explained that while we were in hiding in Vegas she and him barely talked and he had focused on us but that once we returned she started back up again and once in a while she would fly out to see him and that was the reason he wasn’t always with me. The call he had gotten was of his dad needing medical attention so when he went back, she was there and they got closer and he realized he truly loved her and also loved me and he couldn’t lie to me any longer.
I just froze. I couldn’t process it. Here he was my anchor to sanity and all I could think about was how this man really did only look at me as some kid he was just playing babysitter with. It hit me all at once like a brick to the face that I was just playing myself that there could ever be more. Reality zoned back in as he’s pleading with me to not hate him and explaining how he loves me too but he doesn’t want to hurt me and her and now he’s trying to figure it all out. He was crying to me and begging me to forgive him.
Tears welled up and I went numb. He tried to hug me and I couldn’t. I pushed him away and then the screaming started. I yelled at him and let it out. How could he keep lying to me, how could he pretend he Loved me and make me fall for him knowing he had her. How could he keep her on the side constantly leaving her hanging. At the end all he could do was cry and plead to me to understand that he really did love me and her and he didn’t know what to do.
Part of me knows it was also my own fault to ever think that maybe this was going anywhere or that he was being truthful. I just wanted to feel normal so bad that I deluded myself into hoping for more than being a job.

I decided to go for a walk because my head was reeling and I couldn’t be there at that moment. He understood and let me go. I walked to the park down the way and sat there in shock for a while but then after contemplating everything it all made sense.

I made the decision for him. She was normal, a normal life outside of this chaos. She was a life beyond this hell. I couldn’t hate him for it in the end. With her he could live a normal life not running. With her he could have a family not attached to Billy and this hell. What future did I really have?  What could I really have in the long run while everyone else determined my direction? Shit I didn’t even have a job or know what I wanted to do because I couldn’t ever think that far ahead. I was in a constant state of limbo and there wasn’t any end in sight of the end of this rollercoaster. Every truth was sitting right there in front of me as I looked at the people in the park playing soccer and playing with their kids. I couldn’t give him that. Billy had stolen that from me. I had given him a timeline and he had surpassed even that.I couldn’t even plan a month out.  But she could. They could build together, I was his break for fun but she was his long term. Now I just needed to set it in motion. I couldn’t hide from reality any longer. I was just playing house, this wasn’t living, it was barely even surviving. I’d lost everything I’d cared about in the last 2 years and I didn’t see an escape, but here I could give him his.

When I came back from the walk he was waiting patiently for me looking like the kid waiting on the verdict. We sat and talked. I told him my conclusion and he cried some more. I had made the flip switch in my mind. What we had was over. I would take what I could get for the time together. There was never to be another” I love you” to be said. He hated that because he said he really did love me. He voiced how he just wanted time to figure out what he really wanted but deep down I already knew the choice he was going to make and I didn’t hate him for it. All I wanted was no more lies. I wanted to know when she was coming and going, I wanted to know if it was her on the phone. I would no longer be in the dark. I would control my emotions and just take what I could get since that’s all I could enjoy.

Just like that I flipped my switch.

Our dynamic changed. We still did our lives and still were light but now there was an unspoken glass wall.
Ariel now became my party friend. The bouncing was still in full force so her and I would steal away time to go to any bar and drink. And now I was hitting on random guys because, hell, I had no future.
Joe and scrotum were still back and forth around me and scrotum even confided in me how he felt bad because he knew about Joe’s other girl Marta, and he didn’t like her. Scrotum and I now were on the same side. We both didn’t like her being in the atmosphere and we both wanted to avoid her so he became my other distraction buddy.
The looming reality was always there. This was surviving.. No pretty picture of a future, no amazing life. This was just moving without going forward completely.

One weekend I was in my hotel room and Ariel was in another room while Billy and the boys were somewhere off doing business. All of the sudden the entire hotel went dark.  In times like this most people wouldn’t panic, it’s just a quick outage.. In my situation, it’s complete panic flight or fight mode. My survival mode kicked in and instantly I went for my gun. In seconds I’m planning my escape and positioning myself closest to the sliding glass door without being in view from outside and hiding in the curtains inside. I checked the buildings all around and all have their lights on, yep now even more panic. I’m listening to the hallway for any signs that danger is coming. I could see a faint light under the door stop directly in front of it. Oh shit, this is about to go down. Quietly there is a faint knock at the door followed by Ariel’s shaking voice. “Please let me in, it’s just me and I’m scared shitless’ ‘. I slowly made my way as I could hear her pleading. I wouldn’t answer her.. god forbid someone has her as a trap. I checked under the door. Only one set of feet… I check the peephole. It’s just her.
I open the door and she’s in tears. I pull her in and blow out the candle just in case anyone outside the window is trying to see. She was shaking like a leaf and I’m in protect mode . She starts freaking out crying telling me how she’s panicking trying to get to me when all I could think about was how to keep us both alive if this is someone coming for us. All the other lights in all the other buildings around us are on as well as the street lights so this is off. My spidey senses are on high alert. I tell her to shut up and grab my flashlight without turning it on. I place her behind me and I lead her into the hall. We make it to the stairwell and I lead her 2 flights up away from our floor and sit in the corner with her and tell her to keep quiet. We sat in the darkness on the cold concrete stairs for at least 30 minutes. I sat and listened to people come and go in the lower stairwell. Every time someone came into the stairwell I had to look at Ariel and calm her down and make sure she was breathing slowly. Finally the lights came on. She almost broke down crying right there. We finally made our way back to my room. Once there, she completely falls apart. My heart is pounding through my chest and all I can do is try to keep her calm. This was the longest hour and 20 minutes of my life. Another 30 minutes goes by when my phone rings. Scrotum is panicking trying to find Ariel. Once I tell him she’s with me and I’ve got her, he calms down. Billy and Joe are MIA and out doing business somewhere in the city. He had arrived in the last minutes of the darkness of the hotel and went to check her room first since she stayed with Billy. Now that we had all lost our damn minds we needed to breathe. I grabbed Ariel and we set off to the bar that I loved to hide in. It was this perfectly set up little bar/restaurant on the main strip on sunset. The front entrance was the restaurant area and back at the bar on the way back was a little dart board and next to the kitchen there was a small spiral staircase that exited to the parking area around back. Perfect to hide away and escape easily. Once there the drinks didn’t stop and now Ariel and I completely ignored everyone else to ground ourselves after that hell.
Scrotum wanted to join but he was shipped off to another errand. Ariel and I got tanked, eventually stumbling back to the hotel and into my room. Once there I don’t even know how it all started but next thing I know we are stripping and she and I start kissing. Now this wasn’t my first time with a girl but it was the first time that it went on for hours.
The next morning my hangover was horrible and as I rolled over I realized she’s still in my bed. I get up and hunt down some aspirin and water and move over to the bed to bring her some. At that moment my phone rings and it’s Billy. Hearing his voice Ariel sits upright and gestures to me to not give away her presence. He’s looking for her and I lie and tell him she went off with someone last night and I haven’t seen her. Once I have him off the phone she’s giggling and thanking me. She confides in me that she’s not in the mood to deal with him and doesn’t want to let him know where she is. We spend almost all day in bed talking about him and how he treats her and she tells me how she actually likes being around the rest of us more but doesn’t know how to remove herself. Part of me is only thinking about how weird it is that I just slept with my father’s girlfriend, and the other part is now in the mental swing of starting to realize I gotta get out of here.
It’s almost mid afternoon the next day when she finally goes back to him. My phone kept ringing all night with him constantly trying to see if she had contacted me. It was only after the 5th call that we came up with a good enough lie that he finally stopped calling.

Joe was making himself more and more scarce with me and honestly it was perfect. I started going to the bar more with Ariel and we would pick up new guys to enjoy the nights with and then she would return to Billy. She would also come and go like the rest. I was being left more and more but still given directions as to where and when I had to be certain places. In my stolen moment at the bar one afternoon I met Jim. Jim was a trainer and super sexy and brooding over a game he was gambling on. After a few drinks and some food we ended up back at the hotel. Jim was relaxing. He knew nothing about my life and all he cared about was making sure we met up at the bar whenever we could both steal away. I eventually brought Ariel with me and she even liked him and would leave us to have fun alone. His rare mornings with me were always a treat of breakfast and coffee before he ran off to go train people for the day. Joe was now being more occupied by his girlfriend Marta more and she was becoming more common in conversations where I shrugged off and would then slink away to meet Jim. The Harley rides with Jim, the occasional dinner with friends and card nights were a nice change of pace from the constant ping pong with Billy and that whole crew. I would almost find myself daydreaming of this being my life but then I’d always come back to reality because not one of them really knew who I really was. I barely knew who I

was anymore. I was drinking and escaping into the streets of Hollywood with Jim and Ariel whenever it was possible while rubbing elbows with the stars by night and by day I was playing the idle daughter in waiting like Rapunzel in the tower. Only imagine more cocaine and drinking while Rapunzel sat in the tower. Daily life was a blur until I escaped the guards…
Scrotum could tell I was circling the drain mentally. I couldn’t keep this up. I wanted to actually live my life, not just survive it anymore. Billy was all over the place and playing a triple life. Meanwhile Scrotum, Joe, Ariel and I were always in limbo. Billy’s girlfriend V was trying to be more predominant, so Ariel was now being shifted off to the back burner and Scrotum was in charge of hiding us away. One weekend he dropped me to Lisa’s to go take Ariel to her hometown. At this point Lisa was getting up to speed that Billy was juggling multiple girls and she was starting to move on. Lisa pulled me into her closet that night and showed me a shoebox full of money that she was holding on to for Billy in case of emergencies. She told me she understood that I was not happy and wanted to let me know that I could take whatever I wanted and she would cover me in my spending. My head was reeling. Where could I go, what could I do.. Was this a test? Start small, I told myself. I took $600 out and held on to  it long enough to find a smaller purchase that might be enough for him to realize I wanted normal. I found a puppy for sale in the local paper, selling wolf hybrid puppies. I always wanted a wolf to have as my pack, my protector and my road buddy. For $300 I found the most beautiful white wolf hybrid puppy. The minute he came around the corner and our eyes locked I knew this was my boy. This was my sign. My change was coming. He would be my companion and give me a reason to move forward. This beautiful little white wolf with green eyes that instantly came to me, called to my soul. He was instantly glued to me. Forget men that danced with wolves, I would be the woman that danced with wolves.